


By Your Side (Levi x Reader)

by Silveny_Osprey



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin
Genre: F/M, Gen, Reader Insert Romance, Romance, Royal Blood, Slow Burn, Spoilers, ackerbond, add character tags as I go, did I mention slow burn?, hopefully it’s worth it, possibly sad, soft angst, very much a slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21614116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveny_Osprey/pseuds/Silveny_Osprey
Summary: A power, ancient and broken, begins to grow within you, throwing your life into chaos as you fight for humanity's existence in the Survey Corps. Phantoms of dreams, memories, and the beating of a heart not yours haunts your mind, making each day a swirling fever dream or simply a numb movement through the usual activities.Through all this, while you struggle to find meaning and control in this new form of living, there is only one person who keeps you going. One person whose loyalty you would never question, one person who stabilizes you, and you him.A bond as old as the walls around you, a power no one seems to understand, and a love, glowing softly in the dark all collide in this slow burn story.
Relationships: LevixReader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	1. Promise

"(Y/n)." A voice from behind you says, calling you back from your horrified blank-mindedness.

There was death all around you. Screaming. Crying. Crashing. Wails of grief from adults and children alike. The wall has been breached, for the first time in a hundred years. And you are unlucky enough to be watching your whole world shredded into bloodied pieces infront of you. Giant beasts, like humans, but with horrible, leering faces and pale, clothless bodies lumber around, consuming all humans they can get their hands on, made even more frightening by the phantom of humanity visible in their hulking bodies. You stand frozen in place, disbelief and shock holding your feet captive on the hard concrete ground.

"Come on! Come on, we have to run." Armin gasps, grabbing your hand and dragging you out of place into a sprint. He clearly had kept his head when the wall had been breached, and was trying to get the two of you away from the bloodshed. Armin was the closest thing you had to family ever since your parents had been killed while serving in the Survey Corps. You have known Armin since he was a baby, have been a sort of caretaker for him, and when the heart wrenching news of your parent's demise reached you in the form of two defeated looking soldiers at your doorstep, he and his family adopted you without stopping to think about it. From then on, you had found a new home with Armin, and had only recently began to feel like they were your family, like you belonged with them.

Your mind races as Armin continues to pull you through the city, every once in awhile encouraging you to keep up with him with a voice full of terrified voice-cracks. 

When your parents were still alive, they taught you hand-to-hand combat, trained you on core strength and balance, and even started you briefly in the 3dmg. You know about the titans, have learned their weak points and anatomy, but it isn't as if you have any actual experience with fighting them. Before now, you had never even laid eyes on the hated beasts. However, you'll take it upon yourself to keep Armin safe if need be. You need a reason to keep moving forward right now, and at least you know you can fend for both you and Armin. You still remember all of what your parents taught you; attacks and counterattacks, finding weaknesses in another person, and the technicalities of human against human combat. The one thing you're uncertain if you had mastered was bravery, and the ability to make point-blank decisions in dire situations.

Armin stops short infront of you, ramming you into his back, knocking him forwards and yourself backwards. Your stomach drops with your body as you lose your balance and hit down onto a rock. You look up, suddenly seeing people being torn apart, as though you had blocked it out from your vision until now. For a split second, an unexplainable feeling of control flashes through you, urging you to take hold of the situation and force your will upon it to change. This is your world, all you need to do is call upon it to follow your command. Then your mind clears and the irrational feeling is gone. You frantically search for Armin, discombobulated and worried you've lost him in your confusion.

"Eren! We have to get out of here," Armin shouts ahead of you. You look up and see him about 10 feet in front of you, clutching Eren's arm, speaking rapidly.

You study Armin for a moment, scanning him for injuries. Your mind has cleared quite a bit, so you pull yourself up from the ground and sprint over to him. He looks scared for his friends, a bright urgency reflecting in his blue eyes, but not for himself. You could say a lot about Armin, but one thing is for sure: he doesn't have a selfish bone in his body.

This makes sense. Armin ran us to his other friends. Safety in numbers. You don't think that'll work in this situation though. The only thing that'll truly keep you all safe is evacuation, and in this world, maybe not even that.

Eren and Mikasa are both close friends of Armin's, so you have gotten to know them through him. Before you had started to live with Armin, they had been the ones to shield him from people out in the streets who could prey on someone who wouldn't fight back. For his own reasons, Armin refuses to defend himself, taking any abuse he gets out on the streets. A part of you respected him for his inability to surrender, but at the same time, he apparently had no self-preservation instincts. The marketplace and alleyways had always been fairly safe for people who looked to have any meat on their bones, but Armin had always been small and weak-looking. As soon as you had gotten to know him, you decided that you would have his back. Part of why you loved and defended Armin was his peaceful, sweet nature. He felt that just by continuing to maintain his simple life, he was winning against those who crossed him. You like that. Many years ago, you had come to think of him as a brother, and kept an eye on him at all times.

Once you came along, Eren and Mikasa's protection of Armin wasn't necessary; you had quite the reputation for being a fighter. Adult men backed down if you arrived to defend Armin, refusing to meet the eyes of a girl known to have no fear and minimal patience. Little did they know, you had patience, only when you found someone deserving of it. And anyone who preyed on a child like Armin was clearly the scum of the population.

You don't really have any strong ties to Eren or Mikasa. You always question Eren's sanity and common sense. His decisions seem to lack all logic, and his emotions were constantly reflected in everything he did. Mikasa is a closed book, the polar opposite of Eren. She never seems to react to anything, which gives you no way to read her emotions. Her eyes don't change, and neither does the way she acts around you. You don't know either of them particularly well; however, the three of you have a silent agreement to look after Armin.

"No! I won't go! The wall crushed my house! I have to go back, my mom might still be alive!" Eren yells, turning away and tearing away towards imminent danger. Once again, you're questioning whether or not this boy is insane. Mikasa chases after him, leaving you and Armin standing there staring at the destruction and pain all around you.

"Should...what... (y/n), what..." Armin falters, his voice falling away even though his mouth is moving. You look at him, seeing his blue eyes shaking, wide and terrified. He finally became fully aware of our situation, and lost control of himself. Since his composure is gone, you need to take charge.

This time, it's you grabbing his hand and dragging him along behind you. He seems to revive a bit as you run and you feel him try and pull his hand free. You don't let go. You refuse to chance losing him.

"Where... where are we running too?" He calls, his words coming out in gasps from fear and fatigue from running.

"The moat," You say. You're glad to hear your voice is steady, and doesn't squeak like you thought it would. "They're probably sending boats to the interior there. We can get to safety. I bet we'll meet Mikasa and Eren there if we're lucky."

"Then let me take the lead. I... I think I know a shortcut." Armin says. You slow down, and let him run infront of you. His voice is calmer now that we have a plan. You trust his judgement, he probably knows these streets better than you from running away from past tormentors anyway.

He leads you through several alleyways, and since you don't have to be thinking about where you're going, you start to watch the massacre around you. You feel your brain freeze, looking at the horrible sights around you. You trip on a rock, plummeting down onto your face, feeling the ground scrape the skin underneath your eyes. You don't try and get up. Something is preventing you, holding you forcefully to the ground, but whether it's shock or hopelessness, you can't tell.

"(Y/n)! Come on, get up!" Armin yells, somehow yanking you up onto your feet and shaking you. You look at him, his terrified face coming in and out of your focus, still not revived from your face plant. "Don't look. Just don't look, and keep running."

You nod, and you continue following Armin through the streets that you grew up in, but with a horrible, gruesome twist to them, like a nightmare which won't end. Your childhood 'playground', which was an abandoned warehouse full of interesting things for a small child, that you spent much of your time in, is crushed. The roof caving in on itself, jagged pieces of wood thrown ascew, splashes of blood on the things you used to play with. And is that... Is that a dead body? You turn your gaze away, horrified. Focus on running, don't look, you tell yourself.

You reach the boats and wait in line to get on one, to travel inside the next wall to safety. You feel tiny droplets of blood drip from your face, but wipe them away, frustrated with the now stinging injuries striping down your cheeks. You see Eren and Mikasa waiting in line for a boat further down from you. Looking further around, you spot Armin's parents. You run to them, Armin close behind you, a tear running silently down your face. You both had broken down, running to the people you've known all your life, seeking the soothing familiarity. You don't like to cry. Normally, you don't allow yourself. It's weakness to you, and you refuse to be weak. But now, you can't help it. You're just relieved everyone you care about is alive.

Your caretakers and mentors grab you and embrace you. Though you were older than Armin (17, almost 18), you took their hugs and comfort gratefully. In this situation, nothing mattered except your people were safe, and so were you.

Once you get on the boat and your fear recedes, memories of your parents and the stories of the battles and people they had known float through your head. It was rare that they'd be home with you for more than 3 days at a time, they were constantly being sent out on missions for reconnaissance and trade routes. When they were home, almost all their attention would be on you, and you'd always want stories of their latest mission. What happened? What did they survive? Tales of expeditions gone wrong and genius scientists and strategists. 'It's an amazing thing, to be so close to death and survive. Of course, that's not to say there's not danger every time we leave. There's a chance we won't come back, but you'll be safe if that happens.' Your mom would say, ruffling your hair. Your parents had been cheerful, always full of laughter, even when talking about their own demise, but they had also been careful with you, making sure you were prepared. They gave you a realist outlook on life, so you rarely viewed anything as though it was worse or better than it truly was. They also gave you a hatred for sugarcoating. To you, it's equivalent to being lied to. They died when you were 12, and it hit you hard. But you have always had a strong instinct to keep looking forward, not spend too much time dwelling on the past. But that transformed into ignoring the grief from losing your parents, and you had become a sort of loner, avoiding most people and observing from the shadows, like you were waiting for something catastrophic to happen. 

Your parents, though you only remember small parts of your life with them, forge a lot of how you looked at your world. They were efficient people, who taught you resourcefulness through everyday puzzles, games, and tasks. They were realistic, always giving you the harsh truth gently. They were happy, always trying to see the good side to normally negative things, but they would always face their issues head on if necessary. They could usually see people as they really were, looking past words to actions and body language, even other people's thoughts seemed as simple as a plainly written book to them. They loved music and the arts, and had an appreciation for the nostalgic side to life. Your dad played violin, your mom sang. They taught you to play the flute, which you barely remember now but get waves of nostalgia when seeing the instrument. And they were both incredible story tellers.

Their stories enchanted you back then, and they haunt you with a sort of strange fascination now, but back then, they were just stories, and you just a child with too vivid of an imagination. Your parents served in a squad together, but you could never remember what squad it was. They never rose above their low rankings, and were happy that way, with their low income and house off the Survey Corps premises, where higher ranking officers stayed at all times. They preferred to spend most of their time away from the other soldiers, though you never understood why.

The clearest stories to you now are the ones they told you right before they left to never return again. They told you of a soldier, who had been recruited after a life of crime, who had outstanding fighting skills. They had told you he would speak with almost no one, and refused to salute when asked to. He didn't take orders, didn't respond to discipline. They had thought he was useless, and would be killed early on during his first mission. Then, they saw him being trained. Their entire view of this soldier changed, and they looked at him as someone who could make a difference. Someone influential. For whatever reason, this soldier fascinated you back then. You had never heard of someone who would refuse the orders of a superior, and yet cause such a stir with the military. You don't know how you feel about this particular soldier now. Captain Levi Ackerman had returned home from his first mission when your parents, and hundreds of other soldiers, did not. His name was now known by all as Humanities' Strongest.

As the boat starts from its boarding station and the sound of water drowns out the cries of people around you, you decide, right then and there, that you would join the war against the titans, and dedicate your life, body, and heart to the cause of ending the titans rule on human beings. You would make your parents proud, and follow in their footsteps with your head down and blades ready. The iron clad assurance of that thought fortified you, and you looked out from the boat to the world you grew up in, you realised that you couldn't rely on anyone else. You'd take care of yourself, and help save the last people still living in this world, and if you die, then so be it. At least you made a difference, even if it was small. The Survey Corps would become your life, and you'd fight as hard as you could to make a difference in the world. You'd keep humanity alive, whatever it took.

That is what you promised yourself, and little did you know, you'd get much more than you bargained for


	2. Comrades

Five years pass, and your life has changed dramatically. Armin's parents were sent to regain Wall Maria and never returned. It was obvious that they were sending people off to die, so that it would be easier to maintain the health of the population with limited resources. From then on, you, Armin, Mikasa, and Eren just had to look after each other. As the oldest, most of the weight fell on your shoulders. Now, the weight has to be lifted, and then replaced by an even heavier burden.

You were ready to begin training.

Hypothetically, you could've started training way earlier, immediately after the wall fell, but you had opted out to stay with Armin, who hadn't reached the age quota to join right away. Now that he had reached the age, you allowed yourself to join. But before they start you on the gear, an initiation known as the 'rite of passage' had to be performed on the recruits. Which leads to you and approximately forty other people near your age standing on a flat, hot training yard being yelled at by Commandant Shadis. He's the one that is supposed to train you, and so far, you have many doubts about his prowess as a teacher. He struts around you and your fellow trainees, yelling and physically punishing some of them, Armin included. The protective side of you screams at you to defend him, to get in between this disgusting man and Armin, but the smart side of you informs you that this man would respond very poorly to breaking ranks, so you continue standing with a salute, staring straight ahead like you had been instructed to do.

"You. What's your name, girlie?" Shadis says, stalking towards you with a hideous gait and shoving his ugly face into your own.

"(F/n) (L/n)." You say, not letting yourself turn to look into his eyes, trying your best to portray your lack of fear, and continue staring straight ahead, hoping he'd lose his interest in you. You don't want to challenge Shadis just yet. Provoking his wrath early on would be very bad for you if you wanted your goals to be met.

However, you are quickly learning that he is nothing but someone who let very little power go to his head, and you're disgusted by how close he is to your face. You want to show Shadis that you won't let yourself be walked over, but how to do that without causing him to mark you as insubordinate is the question.

"You look pretty, but I doubt you can last long doing anything helpful at all. You'll be dead in minutes out with the titans. Why don't you just go home and play with your dollies and help your parents with their garden?" He sneered, getting so close you wanted to kick his dumb face with the heel of your boot and get him away from you. He was in perfect kicking position, you could hit his chin and knock him out so perfectly. In his egotistical bullying of the new cadets he's leaving himself wide open to an attack, and of course he is, he has nothing to fear. Oh, how you want to prove him wrong, but you held still, and stared straight ahead. You could feel his rank, warm breath spitting liquid on your cheek. How revolting.

"My parents are dead. I can fight. And I don't need your uncreative insults." You say, trying not to allow any emotion to creep into your voice. Nevermind not making him angry, you've already lost all respect for him. You really don't think he can do much harm, and in all honesty, letting your anger get the better of you has some kind of strange pleasure to it, like squishing a large cockroach. Let him be punish you, and then let him be proven wrong by assuming that you can't handle life as a soldier. You'd been taught about how to survive through harsh situations by your parents all your life.

Shadis has drawn back, holding his shoulders back and muscles tense, a cocky sneer twisting the features of his face, so you can tell he is about to deal you a blow. You steady yourself, ready for a painful hit.

"You can fight, eh? Well then, let's see if you can handle pain. I'll be glad to watch you fall to the ground and cry like a baby. Uncreative insults, my ass." Shadis says, and rams his head into yours. Pain blasts through your skull, and you wince, feeling the harsh sensation of the pain. But you stay standing, staring straight ahead, still with your salute. You won't let this man win, not now that you've got a point to prove.

He blinks at you, surprised and flustered that you can stay standing. "You're another one like him, aren't you. Well, hopefully you're as useful as he is."

He turns and stalks away, going to terrorize another trainee. You swallow, and let out a realived breath. After a few minutes of waiting for the pounding in your forehead to recede, you start to wonder who you reminded him of. A tiny drop of blood slides down your nose, but it doesn't feel like you're badly hurt at all. Shadis is good at creating intimidation on those who haven't learned to handle fear, but he clearly is unaware of you past. You are familiar with terror. He is not nearly as strong or scary as he thinks he is.

Once your 'Initiation' is over, you're divided into barracks. The barracks are small, with bunks for 6 people total. They're stuffy inside, and if you were claustrophobic you wouldn't quickly feel the need to exit the small rooms. The mattresses weren't particularly soft or thick and you were supplied with small, thin blankets to sleep under. A tiny, rough-fabric pillow was placed randomly on every other bunk, as the military didn't have many people joining these days. It is the trainees responsibility to keep their own possessions and barracks clean.

You are sent to barrack 4, the building closest to a pine forest which covered the small mountain range surrounding the training grounds, and as soon as you get there, question who made the groups. When you get inside, you see Mikasa, and two girls you noticed in initiation but had never spoken to before.

"Oh, so you're the fourth! What's your name?" Says a brunette sitting on one of the top bunks. Her hair is almost reddish, and her eyes are a gorgeous amber color. She seems happy and extroverted, leaning eagerly forward from her top bunk to eye you with an excited gaze. You inwardly sigh, and hope you actually end up taking a liking her.

"I'm (y/n). You are...?" You say, meeting her excited eyes.

"Sasha. Sasha Braus." She tilts her head like a happy dog. She speaks confidently, and seems very sure of herself. She seems intent on getting a reaction out of you and gaining your respect. You make a mental note that she could be easily led, especially if someone gave her some of their trust and let her govern herself a bit.

"Nice to meet you." You say blandly, taking the bottom bunk closest to the door, directly across from Sasha and the other girl's bunk. You want to be able to evacuate quickly if necessary, so a bunk near the door is ideal. Mikasa is on the top bunk over you, and across from you is an empty bunk. Two empty bunks, you realize. Sasha and the other girl are on a single bunk on the other side of the door.

"Right! This is Annie. I don't know your last name. Annie...?" Sasha says, looking down at the girl from her bunk.

"Leonhart." The girl says shortly. She glances at you, her blue eyes sweeping over your body, as if doing a check on your physical condition. She has blond hair that's pulled up into a sort of weird bun/ponytail thing. Her fingers play with her uniform, and she seems like she's trying to distract herself. Her shoulders are pulled back and she has a careless, aloof expression on her face, but you notice her eyes and the way they're taking notice of everyone's movement. She's paying more attention than she wants you to know.

"You already know Mikasa, right?" Sasha asks. She seems like one of those people who aren't ok with silence, and have to fill it with speech. Armin's parents were like that as well, always filling empty air with the unnecessary hum of small talk. You usually just listened, trying to gleam any amount of information you could gleam from meaningless conversation.

"Yes, I do. I have some questions for all of you." You say, deciding to use your new bunk mates to gather information.

"Sure," Sasha says. "We might as well waste some time before dinner." A glazed expression falls over her face and her whole body relaxes and slumps. You laugh inwardly at her obvious food motivation, your lip curling up on one end into a half smile. Strange, that usually only happens when something has put you in a defensive position. You're not generally a smiler, but then again, you haven't had a ton to smile about since your parents died.

"What's the reason some kids have gone home already? Was it because Shadis didn't think he could train them? I noticed he didn't mess with some of the cadets. He mentioned the way I acted was similar to someone he had met before. Do you have an idea who?" You say, carefully wording each of your questions so your bunkmates (particularly Sasha) know exactly what you're asking. You wonder to yourself if they'll look down on your ignorance, but then decide that none of them really seem like the type to do so. You're all in the same sinking boat, after all.

"Of course some people went home. The ones who already can't handle training. They're the weak ones. To me, it's smart the military lets them leave. It weeds out the ones who wouldn't be able to function under pressure." Annie says bluntly. She spoke with a quiet authority, still messing with her uniform and playing with a ring around her pointer finger. She didn't look at you while she answered. She seemed to understand that eye contact can tell someone a lot about you. You nod. You like this girl.

"People are skipped during initiation when Shadis doesn't think they can be scared. I was skipped over, and so was Eren," Mikasa says blankly. "As to who you were compared to, I have no idea." Although you can't see her that well, her voice sounds tired. Today was likely very stressful to her.

"You had guts to speak up like that, though," Sasha chirps. "I could never do that. He made me run after initiation for like 6 hours."

"3 hours. It would seem like longer. No one is fit yet," Mikasa points out. "You also offered him a potato. What did you expect?"

"I thought he would appreciate it! Potatos are hard to come by these days, and who doesn't want some extra food? That was my last potato..." Sasha grabs the edge of her bunk and swings down, landing down hard with a muted THUMP right in front of you. "If it were me being offered a potato, I obviously would've taken it. Wouldn't you, (y/n)?"

You nod. You and your bunk mates spend the next 20 minutes talking, although the dialogue constantly gets pushed into pregnant, awkward silences quickly broken by Sasha. Sasha is carrying the conversation, but she doesn't seem to mind much. She walks while she speaks, refusing to stay in one place or meet any of your eyes. Clear signs of anxiety. Perhaps she's worried about saying the wrong thing, and creating a rift between her and one of the others. You keep exchanging quick, hidden glances with Annie, who has a bored expression on her face but seems engaged with the conversation, and you probably would've with Mikasa if you could see her. Annie seems to like Sasha, subtly encouraging her to continue speaking through the open phrasing of her words. You aren't sure how you feel about her, but spend the time in the bunk attempting to decode Mikasa's short and cryptic responses. In the end, you decide she hides much of her personality, preferring, much like you, to allow others to do the speaking and take up the role of observer.

Then you head to dinner. The food is bland, just a piece of bread, broth, and a slice of apple, but still Sasha is as food motivated as you thought she was. She finally quiets down as she eats, and you, Mikasa, and Annie get a chance to speak candidly with each other. As you thought, you're all pretty similar.

When you get back to your bunks at around 9 o'clock at night, you change out of your uniform (which you quickly wash before folding neatly) into more comfortable attire and get ready for bed. Curfew is at 10:15, lights out is at 10:30. Cadets are expected to learn to tell time without using any type of clock, although many seem like they couldn't care less. Short 3 minute showers are allowed in the bathroom all the female cadets share, but no one is really enforcing that rule. You clean yourself quickly, but made sure you hadn't left any dirt on you. Serving in the military does not mean you're not going to try and keep yourself clean, unlike the majority of the other girls skipping their shower. 

Once you return to your bunk, your bunkmates fall asleep quickly, and one by one you listen to their breathing soften and become more rhythmic. Sasha is, of course, a snorer. Mikasa sleeps silently and still, peacefully, which surprises you. As another child who witnessed the fall of Shiganshina, you expected her to sleep more like you, tossing and turning in the grips of tortured dreams. The two of you have witnessed the same horrors, but somehow she sleeps peacefully and easily. You envy her, and wonder if it's a sign of your own weakness, your inability to heal and continue forward, that you often find sleep evades you. Annie mumbles nonsense in her sleep, and occasionally shifts around restlessly in her bed. She's tense as she sleeps, like she had gotten used to being woken up suddenly in the night and forced to quickly get to work with something, without time to fully awaken. You feel hyper-sensitive to every movement and sound around you, and your muscles are tense with the anticipation of danger that only existed in the dark corners of your mind. You quiet your brain and breathe slowly, waiting without hope the feeling of fatigue you no longer really expect. 

It's once you are trying to sleep in earnest that you realize it'll be a long night for you. Your brain refuses to turn off, creating scenarios and thoughts which are too loud, pounding on the mental boxes you lock them in, making sleep impossible. And even if you somehow find sleep, your nightmares would likely return. Since the fall of the walls you'd been haunted with nightmares with no distinct plot. Just frightening images and emotions and colors all rolled into a twisted movie your brain tortured you almost nightly with. You might wake up screaming, sweating, crying, or just terrified out of your mind. And just how weak would you be then? Even surrounded by fellow soldiers, all sleeping easily in their own ways, you somehow can't face your own mind.

Because even when you're supposed to feel safe around your comrades, it's easy fro the feeling of isolation to thrive when you don't think you really belong. And strength runs thin when you feel so alone.


	3. Strength

As your training progressed, you began to gain attention for your skills. With hand-to-hand combat, you're almost unstoppable, and the only one who has the capabilities to defeat you is Annie, so naturally, she became one of your closest friends. She was always quiet, but when you got her talking, you could start some very interesting conversations. Annie was a thinker. She looked at the world in a way you've never thought about, and somehow, you could tell she hadn't lived an easy life. The two of you shared many similarities, and you both had your own secrets, which the other respected. You were less close with Mikasa, as you didn't find it worth it to attempt to decode all her strange words and actions, but still, the three of you would sneak out quietly at night to a nearby forest to practice together when you couldn't sleep. You quickly improved, and became able to defeat both of them in combat in a manner of minutes. 

Eventually you realized that sneaking was unnecessary and no one really cared what the cadets did, so you had gotten to the point where you simply wandered out without being remotely worried about getting into trouble. 

At first you felt bad for not including Sasha in your nightly training sessions. She was so sweet to all of you and tried very hard to gain your approval, constantly seeking for a way to impress the three of you. However, she ran with a different crowd than you and the others. She gained her own friend group and always slept soundly at night, so you begin to think its better you don't include her. She had a different weight on her shoulders than you, and you respected her ability to carry it alone.

Sometimes the other girls could sleep much better than you could. When that was the case, and you found yourself alone in the dark, you'd sneak out on your own and wander the training grounds and barracks. The strange quiet of a world you knew during the day to be full of life now turned a ghost town by the falling of the sun fascinated you. Although you knew the dirt pathways and stark, undecorated buildings very well by now, you could never be bored of your nighttime walks, because nothing was ever exactly the same by night. The shadows told a new story each and every time, painting tales of nothing and everything, calling out to you as you walked, and you were happy to listen all night long, lulled into an easy, mindless, plodding gait. You'd find little nooks and crannies to sit alone, listening to the quiet sounds of nocturnal animals, living their own lives, fearing, much like humans, the predators which prey on them. Thousands of years ago, the human race must've believed itself to be completely safe, a higher species than the lowly animals around them. Now, you're just like them, trembling under threat of constant consumption. 

Occasionally you'd get the urge to explore the seemingly endless woods surrounding the training site, finding new paths and trails through the moonlit trees. The shadows of the leaves danced beneath your feet as you walked, reminding you of the blood and rubble of five years ago. Except this is a quiet, peaceful bloodshed, a lack of violence or color, like how you imagine dying to be. This forest, full of life but silent as the wind morphs through different shapes in your mind, never ceasing to become some unexpected thought or memory of your childhood. The vines, cascading from an oak tree, made giant and strong through age, became the ropes you and your parents played on. To you it was just a game; who could get to the roof fastest with a single rope, but now you realize the preparation they put in for your future. The antlers of deer, barely visible through the dark shadows of trees, but noticeable from their fleeting movement, became the sharp knives you learnt self defense with, dueling with an invisible opponent or one of your parents as they called out tips.

You came to realize it was never completely dark at night. There was always, without a doubt, a source of light, no matter how small. Your sense of direction was adept enough so you could always find your way back to the barracks before daybreak, so the other occupants were unaware you ever left.

As far as training with the gear went, you were most definitely the best in the class. Your balance was perfect, and you could easily do other things while simultaneously hovering, still as the trees around you, in the gear. As part of the 104th cadet corps, your rank was 2nd only to Mikasa, but you felt only a hint of competitively, which you converted into motivation to hone your skills. You were fighting for yourself, not for a ranking given by a man you hardly respect. The only reason Mikasa's score was higher than yours wasn't skill, it was because of attitude. Shadis was used to someone who simply listened to him without questioning anything he said. You were definitely not that person.

Armin and you stayed close, but as you had to work harder and harder for training, you began to spend less time together. He grew less and less dependent on your oversight, choosing to spend his time with Eren, discussing strategies and theories on the Titan war. You still kept a protective eye on him though, even if unnecessary at the moment. Neither he nor Eren did well when it came to the gear, and you pitied Eren, seeing your own yearning for revenge or protecting in his fierce attitude, although the two of you were drastically different in personality. His dedication shone bright, trampling his lack of logic with pure emotion, but his skills were nowhere near as good as they needed to be in order to excel.

One day, while you are hooked up to the belts to continue improving balance (you're sharing the gear set up with Annie and Mikasa, there isn't enough for everyone at a time), you notice two Survey Corpsmen watching the cadets from afar. One of them is a short, dark haired man, and the other a brown haired young woman with rounded glasses. You cant see them very clearly from this far away, and probably wouldn't have noticed them if you weren't so secure in the belts. Shadis yells at the cadets to 'KEEP GOING YOU SHRIMPS' and jogs heavily over to confer with the two Corpsmen. You see him point to you, Mikasa, Annie, Eren, Armin, and a few others. You shift back and forth in the belts uncomfortably, feeling their gazes on you. The brown haired one seems excited and happy-go-lucky in nature, standing openly towards Shadis and eying the cadets with a sharp eye, and the dark haired man seems to be there to rein her in, standing further back with his arms firmly crossed. 

As Shadis continues to speak to them, the dark haired one's gaze turns to you. Though you aren't close enough to them to make out their features, his gaze is intense. If he was closer, you'd want to meet his eyes and probably start a stare down. A gaze this intense could only mean one thing; this man was attempting to gain a grasp of how you function. He was watching for how you moved with the gear, how you interacted with others, and most importantly, if and how you reacted to his gaze. If he was in clearer sight, you would meet his eyes, possibly gleam some explanation to the nature of this stare down. For whatever reason, that would've made you feel safer than whatever this was.

The man's gaze turns back to Shadis, but you see his head gesture towards you as he asks Shadis something.

They're talking about me. You realize.

Shadis speaks to them for a little while longer, then walks away towards you, leaving the two Corpsmen. He snaps at you to switch with Annie and give her the gear. You climb out of your harness, sigh, and plop to the ground by Mikasa, mumbling a greeting but not fully listening to her quiet response. You try not to show it, but you're keeping an eye on the Corpsmen. They make you very anxious, especially since they aren't close enough for you to read their facial expressions. They're trying their best not to be seen, standing slightly behind the tree line of the oak forest, sticking to the shadowed areas. Every once in awhile, you can feel their gazes return to you. They linger for awhile, but leave at around 1:30, according to the sun.

Your training continues until around five, and today is focused on the gear. Every half hour or so, you rotate back into the gear. For now, you're totally stationary as you are just working with balance in the gear. The use of the gear is multi-layered, complex, and often dangerous, so training the muscles before any real work is crucial. Cautionary tales of permanently broken bones and ruptured organs were told before the cadets were taught the process of even putting on the harness.

Balance in the gear came naturally to you, so there isn't much for you to work on. Mostly, you zone out, and think about nothing or watching the other cadets struggle and find balance in the gear. Once you get bored, you practice shifting your weight, like you would during real combat to keep your body upright. You figure that's the best way to be prepared for when you advance in your training. You figure the Corpsmen talking about you would make a change in your future only if you continue being the top of your class.

Levi's perspective, different POV, you'll figure it out.

Levi hadn't signed up to see the cadets, had shown zero interest in it, but Hange, being the intrusive little shit she was, had insisted he come with her. Normally, he wouldn't have given in, and instead told Hange to go find someone else to drag on this strange 'trainee watching' day trip with her. It was only when Hange mentioned that Keith Shadis, a man which Levi despised and would be happy to see fail at training a bunch of kids, had a few dysfunctional cadets he had some 'issues' dealing with. That got Levi's interest. Generally, the questioning of authority came as a rare aspect in the cadets, but those who did tended to have potential as valuable soldiers. Two hours later he found himself following Hange down to the stables, which were in desperate need of a thorough cleaning.

They rode on horseback most of the way to the training center, Levi on his black stallion and Hange on her chestnut, but after about 20 minutes of easy riding, their path became difficult for the horses to walk on, the flora from the forest spilling thickly our onto their trail, forcing them to dismount and walk the rest of the way.

"Don't look so bored," Hange had noticed Levi's lack of excitement, and attempted in vain to get his attention. He was really only there to pinpoint possibly skill for his own gain, and would likely be doing a lot of waiting around. The lack of productivity repelled him, and he was already twitching for something else to do. "At least you're getting the chance to screw with Keith a bit."

But as they reached the trainees, Levi's boredom was replaced with curiosity. He and Hange stopped far enough away that hopefully the cadets wouldn't notice them, but close enough that they could see most of the trainees in detail.

Sweeping his gaze over the cadets, he realized that one of them had frozen, and was watching him and Hange intently, even though they wouldn't have been easy to spot. What was really surprising was that she was hooked up to the 3dmg, and maintained her balance perfectly while she watched him, though most cadets at her stage in training would have lost balance and fallen, hitting their heads on the ground. But this (h/c) haired cadet sat perfectly stable, even though she had tensed at the sight of him and Hange.

Maybe I should stop staring at her then, and save her the trouble. Levi thought. Of all people, he and Hange should be the least of this cadet's worries. He turned and looked for their trainer. He had never gotten along with Keith Shadis, ever since his days in "training". Hange had a soft spot for the repulsive man, and occasionally became flustered while speaking with him. At least Levi could back her up if necessary.

Shadis snapped at the trainees, then jogged over to meet them, huffing as he climbed the small hill they had stopped at. His ugly face was sweating from being out in the heat all day. Levi felt himself recoil a bit. Sweat was not something he needed to be close to.

"Hi Commandant! How are the trainees this year?" Hange chirped, eagerly throwing her sharp interest at Shadis. She was probably hoping for some new blood to the Survey Corps. Her face had a hopeful lilt to it, the corners of her lips turning up in an unconscious smile. She continued watching the cadets out of the corner of her eyes, probably taking in information about them as she spoke to Shadis. There had been less and less people joining the Survey Corps recently, and they needed new soldiers. Not even skilled soldiers, just more people to help get things done yet. 

"Don't get your hopes up." Levi said. He didn't want her to get disappointed that not many cadets joined. As she usually ended up doing every year. And then she would come to him to rant about it and it would become his problem too. Well, it already was his problem; he agreed to come when he hadn't really seen a logical reason to do so.

"We've got some good ones. At least, better than last year's group of idealist nobodies. We have cadet Ackerman.." when Shadis said that last name, he glanced at Levi. Levi shrugged it off. Ackerman was the last name he had taken from the man who had raised him. He had no idea what his real last name was, so there was almost no chance they were related. "She excels at hand to hand combat and the belts, but she seems to only be here for this other kid..."

Shadis continued to rattle on about multiple other cadets Levi didn't see anything particularly special in other than skills only slightly more than mediocre. He tried to keep himself interested in the long explanations, but listening to Shadis had never exactly worked out for him. He could get more information just by watching the cadets himself, anyway. Shadis was good at judgment, but Levi was watching for something different than Shadis could describe. He watched each of them for a short amount of time, analyzing their abilities. Some of them had qualities that stood out to him, but his impression of them as a whole was that of only minor talent. However, it might be too early to judge. 

He avoided staring directly at the (h/c) cadet and watched her discretely. She sat comfortably in the gear, shifting her weight and flexing certain muscles. She seemed to instinctively know how she'd control the gear once she was in movement. She'd likely become a highly valuable asset to whatever military branch she chose. After a while, he realized he had stopped listening to Shadis entirely, instead of trying to pick morsels of information from his mindless rant, and tuned back in to hear...

"...stood up to me during the rite of passage. She's a nuisance, I tell you that she will-" Shadis was saying, but Levi cut him off.

"Who did this?" He asked, his tone bland. Finally, the reason he came.

"I said this already, don't you have ears? Her name's (f/n) (l/n), and she's remarkably skilled. She's using the belts right now. Look for yourself." Shadis said carelessly, pointing out the (h/c) girl Levi had noticed. She was still keeping an eye on their little group, totally steady using the gear. "She excels at everything. Haven't seen anything she can't do. But we haven't seen her actually move using the belts, and we also don't know if she's anything special. She seems dedicated, but we really don't know what they're made of til they're actually fighting. Besides that, she gets this weird, glossed look in her eyes sometimes. I think she might be neurotic."

"What do you mean, stood up to you? Did someone finally question the bullshit you spew from that mouth?" Levi questioned. He was curious now, but hiding his interest to Shadis. If Shadis figured out that this cadet had their interest, he'd make sure they got the least amount of information possible, just to screw them over. He had no hope in hiding his interest from Hange though, who was eyeing him with a wide grin on her face.

"She told me her name and everything, but then added on that she didn't need my uncreative insults," Shadis scoffed. "She's the only one that'll talk back to me. Causes trouble almost every day, but she's so skilled sending her home would be a shame."

Hange laughed loudly (of course). Levi glanced at her and saw her seeking more information, possibly to help him learn more without seeming too interested."Well, hopefully she listens to you enough to learn."

"That's the thing. She acts like she's not listening to my orders and training, then I see her do what I said perfectly right after. She just damn refuses to take orders. She's older than the others, seems smart, so punishing the punk would work as well as Jaeger does on the belts. Probably just make the little bitch worse."

Levi stopped listening to Hange and Shadis' conversation to watch the girl again. She stared back at him, dead still and steady in the gear. She couldn't meet his eyes since they were positioned far from eachother, but she could definitely feeling his gaze, and yet she stared straight to him, not looking away like most would. People didn't like to be stared at. The normal human would glance away after a bit to avoid anything awkward, which was a sign that they didn't want or like to deal with being uncomfortable. That was normal; a reaction based out of innate instinct. This girl seemed mostly unaffected, calmly returning his gaze, and he didn't have enough information to know exactly why. She could instinctively know what glancing away meant, she could be insecure and need to feel like she was 'dominant', or she was genuinely at ease with his gaze and was doing essentially the same thing he was; trying to read the other person.

"Look, my cadets are stupid. I should get back to them, before they accidentally kill themselves." Shadis said. Levi turned to him, breaking his contact with the cadet. He had an odd feeling about her. However, this didn't seem like something he needed to act on immediately. He made a mental note to look out for her name in the future. If he could, he'd look into getting her onto his squad if she chose the Survey Corps and continued to be as skilled as she currently appeared to be.

"Alright. See you!" Hange said. "We might stick around for a bit and watch. You should try to figure out what's the deal with those cadets!"

Shadis started to walk away, but Levi spoke to the back of his sweaty balding head. "You should figure out how to discipline that cadet. People like her are useful if you can pull your sorry ass together enough to harness their abilities."

Shadis snorted, and gave no response whatsoever.

He continued walking away, yelling something Levi couldn't hear at the cadet.

(L/n), Levi thought, Interesting.

He and Hange stayed for while, Hange watching the cadets intently, making happy observations about them. Levi listened, but his brain kept turning back to the cadet. She had a potential he didn't normally see in the cadets. There was look about her as if she knew how to read a situation and react accordingly. Her reaction to his gaze made it seem like she could notice the unspoken language in people, even respond in an appropriate fashion. That, coupled with her skill with the gear made her someone he could use to his advantage if she could be recruited to his squad. Although Shadis was having a hard time handling her, those who questioned him were often the smartest, seeing things without emotional bias. 

Once they left, getting back on their horses and walking back to headquarters at a leisurely speed, Hange brought (l/n) back up.

"You seemed interested in that cadet. Think she'd be useful for the Survey Corps even though she's being a pain for Shadis?"

"Being a pain in Shadis' ass is a good quality." Was Levi's only answer.

Hange continued, not detoured by his surlyness, "You two seem awfully similar. I remember your initiation. You wouldn't even say anything to Shadis. You just stared at him like a weirdo."

"I think she would make a good asset to the Survey Corps. You know how I work. She's showing skill early on. She's someone to keep an eye on, at least." Levi said, wondering why he felt slightly defensive about the topic. Hange understood him well, so he rarely felt the need to explain or defend himself. He'd figure it out later.

He felt Hange's gaze land on him, and he turned to look at her. With one eyebrow raised and a questioning tilt to her head, he knew that she had noticed his reaction.

She shrugged. "Want to combine our squads tomorrow for training, or do you already have something planned?"

"That would work if you want. I didn't have anything specific planned. Oluo needs to pay more attention, I could use something different." Levi said, feeling grateful that she had decided not be pushy today. He let his mind focus on other things; their conversation, the horses, their surroundings, and the gentle sounds of the forest path which led to HQ.

Even so, he was curious about her, and often when he let his mind relax she would wander back into his thoughts. He assured himself that he would find out more about the cadet, and when Humanity's Strongest wanted something, he usually could figure out how to get it. 

Back to you, different tense, let's be intelligent. Also, a time skip.

You sit up in bed, hugging your knees to yourself, watching the door. You debate whether or not to get up and walk to the forest, to try and find some clarity in the softness of the surrounding forest. Something holds you back, preventing you from moving. You lay back down, sinking into the hard mattress beneath you.

A feeling of loneliness washes over you, something you'd been ignoring the past few weeks. You have no reason to be lonely, you aren't here to make friends or socialize, you're here to become a soldier. Plus, you aren't alone, you have fellow cadets and bunk mates with you right now. Even surrounded by people you trust, the gut feeling of isolation persists. A wall had formed between you and the others, separating you by something intangible and unbreakable, building a thicker barrier the more you try and find belonging. You search for a reason, staring at the wooden bottom of the bunk above you where Mikasa sleeps, behind the lack of connection, lack of understanding. You find nothing, except for your own fault at the bottom of it all. You don't belong, and won't even allow yourself to try, because even though you have information about the others, you feel you're constantly missing something.

You don't know what that is, or even how to start to find the thing that keeps you from finding solace.

And you can't do anything about it, because you're doing this to yourself.


	4. Initiative

Train. Eat. Pretend to belong and socialize with the other trainees, never quite touching the understanding they seem to have about eachother. Lie awake or wander aimlessly through the trainee's headquarters, hoping to feel the gentle pull to sleep and finally find that dreamless rest that lies right infront of you, taunting you with its impossibility. Dress. Eat. Repeat. That was your schedule, you and find an uncomfortable peace in the repetition. It's your default, your distraction from the problems and feelings you are unworthy of. But now that was going to change.

Your graduation was coming, looming around the corner with an urgency which weighs you down. This is where you choose your fate, decide how you will live your life.  
Though to some extent, that's already been chosen. The Survey Corps and your parents and a hundred other things all circle around your head as you count down the days till you graduate. 

20 days left. Your ability in the belts tops everyone else's. Fast turns and incredible speed comes easily to you in a way the others simply couldn't grasp. It's natural to you, and you find if you relax, complex movements and balance comes unconsciously to you, like the gear is just another limb, You hold your blades in an unusual way, but that only seems to make your ability stand out more. By underhanding your right blade and holding it behind you and out while you move, you find yourself picking up speed and then, suddenly you're spinning, twisting in the air and turning into a deadly, whirling, lightning fast weapon. It hurts like hell afterwards, muscles you didn't even know you had burn and dark bruises appear on random parts of your body, but it's worth it. 

The two Survey Corpsmen you saw before come and watch you once again, but they no longer make you nervous. You don't feel the need to watch them anymore, because it doesn't even matter. Nothing seems to really effect you anymore, your reactions dull. You only notice it in moments like this, when numbness fills your body when before everything was vivid, emotions and thoughts pulsing through you with a life of their own.

10 days left, and you no longer need to try in training. Nobody really pays attention anyways, everyone is way too nervous and confused about which military section they want to go into. That's all anyone can talk about. You are in the top ten, so you could join the Military Police if you wanted too. You won't join the MPs, though. You don't think you belong with them, with their missions handed to them on silver platters, never leaving the walls, never seeking freedom.

The other cadets have learned to let you be by yourself, which is alright with you. There are only two people who you'll talk to consistently; Armin and Annie. Mikasa seems to have forgotten about you, following Eren around like a bodyguard on steroids, glaring at people who approach him in a way she apparently doesn't like. Armin acts towards you like you are a normal person, nothing special, which is exactly what you are. You sit with him at meals sometimes, enjoying the normalcy and nostalgia of being around him. His quiet, innocent observations and easy conversations help you realize that life continues on, no matter how much or how little you're feeling. Armin somehow stays stable, a solid rock in a rushing river of tragedy and new information, and the rare times you speak with him, the world slows down and you finally get to breathe. 

Annie is quiet and thoughtful about everything, and she is definitely not acting like you are the queen of the world like the others do. When you feel the need to talk to someone and get a good dose of reality and realistic advice, you go to her. She also didn't mind silence, so when you needed some company but didn't want to talk, she seemed to understand. Perhaps she can be cold, but in the world you're in, you expect that; you even welcome it. Everyone else either acts like you have some sort of weird disease, or they are just ridiculously respectful towards you, like you're their superior.

At the moment, you just wanted to be done in the cadets corps and get on with your life. With a few days left, you and the other cadets are spending much of your time walking the length of the wall, learning the do's and don'ts of the Military Gear. You are pretty much unsupervised, and most of you are just sitting around. Sasha and some others are talking about food, and you're sitting alone, watching how they act around each other. They're so relaxed, not focused on each other but on what they're talking about. 

Suddenly, Eren stands up and begins to speak in an excited, passionate manner. You're too far away to hear his words, but since it's Eren talking, you don't think it's worth listening to. Eren constantly went on about how he thought the Titan War would go, and how he thought everyone should act. It wasn't even worth listening to, even just to get the gist of what he was saying.

As he finishes his weird speech-thing, a blast of a blinding light flashes behind him, momentarily blinding you and the others. You stand up, even though you can't see, and brace yourself, ready to meet your unknown assailent.

The colossal titan stands behind you, it's emotionless gaze staring straight at you. You inhale sharply, and then do the first thing that comes to your mind; flatten yourself to the floor of the wall and cover your neck. If your assumption is correct and the titan is here to break the wall, your biggest danger is the wall crumbling beneath you, not the titan itself. You hear the whooshing sound of the gear, and shouting. Eren must be doing something stupid. You glance up, just as the entire wall shakes and feels like it'll fall in upon itself. Your instincts tell you to jump from the wall and find solid ground. You leap off the wall, ignoring the great height, and use your gear to guide yourself, moving as fast as you can while making sure you can see your surroundings. Heart thumping in your throat, you see the falling bodies of a few of your comrades around you, and use the gear to bring yourself to the top of a building a couple of yards away from the wall, where you can watch and wait for orders.

Looking up at the Colossal, you see a big poof of smoke, or maybe it's mist, and when it clears, the titan is completely gone, which doesn't make sense. The only trace left of it is the billows of the steam-like substance still left in the air. Scientifically, something that big disappearing literally from thin air shouldn't be possible. You can't think about that right now. Focus on survival.

From behind you, you hear horses, running at a full gallop towards the new breach in the wall. You have very little time to prepare for the titans to begin to filter in and cause devastation in the Trost District, just like 5 years ago. Had it really been that long? You shake yourself, mentally and physically, to chase the memories away. You can't get lost in your old trauma, you have to focus, because this time, you have the training to make a difference.

The Garrison on horseback yell for you and the remaining soldiers to follow them to a safer area. In your mind, you want to refuse, and say that this place is where you need to be to be most effective, that here is where it's your responsibility to take the brunt of the danger, but you decide that now isn't a good time. Following the Garrison and the rest of the cadets, you count the survivors, making sure nobody close to you died. You keep your face passive, but inwardly take a sigh of relief. They're alive. For now. It's your job to protect them, you can't let them be hurt.

The Garrison are yelling out orders, separating you into squads. Armin, Mikasa, Annie, Sasha, and Eren are all placed in squads, but you seem to be being ignored by the Garrison. Once they're all placed into their own squads, and sent to defend from their different posts, the Garrison turn to you. You feel a chill run down your spine. If you aren't in the same squad as the others, you can't protect them. You take a deep breath. If you're sent out on your own, you'll have to focus on your own safety.

"You're (l/n), right? Get on that horse with Jacob," One of them, who seems to be more in command than the others yells at you, gesturing to a small white-blond man on a palomino horse. "We're sending you to deliver a message to the Survey Corps, tell them what's happened. They're on the offensive in Maria. Get there as fast as you can, you're 2 capable soldiers, you keep eachother alive, understand?"

You run over, and pull yourself onto Jacob's horse. As soon as you're seated, Jacob spurs his horse forward, and you take off towards the hole in the wall.

"Do we even know where they are?" You yell, grabbing Jacob's shoulders to stay on the horse. His hair blows in your face as you speak, and shake it out of your eyes, annoyed.

"N-no. We don't. I don't know how..." He calls back, his voice breaking. You take a sharp right turn through the wall's hole, and his horse speeds up. Behind you, a titan turns it's ugly mug to glance in your direction, before turning back to lumber stupidly through the gate.

A sharp stab of fear runs through you as you realize what's happening. You're in titan territory, but this time, you're running towards the danger, running towards a destination that is unknown to you.

"They sent us on a suicide mission, didn't they? They're trying to get us out of the way, or at least me." You say softly, almost to yourself. The Military Police probably doesn't want a girl who second guesses their orders with them while they set out with the endeavor of keeping people alive. A pang of guilt hits you in the chest as you realize you probably were going to cause this poor man's death.

As you keep running, you notice a titan standing there, staring straight at you. It takes a few lumbering steps towards you, and then pauses to stare as titans do when they see their next meal. You call out Jacob, pointing out at the Titan and asking what to do.

"I engage it, attack first, and kill it. You stay here, you won't be any help as a cadet!" Jacob yells back, drawing his blades. You shake your head, thinking about how stupid that idea is. You don't have any experience with taking down Titans, but you somehow know that you'd need more of a plan than that. And even though you're vastly inexperienced, you're pretty certain you'd need more than one person. But before you can argue, Jacob leaps off the palomino and goes after the Titan. You grab the reins of the horse, but it's controlling itself, not listening to you. The horse is running diagonally to the Titan, keeping it in your sights but not getting close enough for it to attack you. It's spiraling route will bring you closer and closer to the Titan every time you go around, so by the time Jacob had killed it the horse will be close enough for him to jump back down to the horse. You scoot up, lean forward, and stand off the horse so your weight is off of its back. During your training they teach you horsemanship without actually practicing on a horse, so the feeling of riding is odd and painful to you now since you've never even touched a horse.

In response to your change of seat the horse surges faster towards the Titan, stretching its legs and plowing forward. You curse under your breath. Jacob is trying his best to take the Titan down, but it seems that he doesn't have much experience with fighting them, if any. You realize that if you don't intervene, it's likely that he will die, but if you do intervene, it's also likely that you will die. And you can't die. You won't, and there was no promise that you could take down that Titan. But in being selfish, you condemn another person to death. You bite your lip in indecision, drawing a small drop of blood.

You spend just a split second too long pondering your options, and a blood-curdling scream blasts through the air from in-front and above you. Without looking, you know it's too late, that your indecisive-ness caused Jacob's death. Blood falls on the ground in front of you, and you glance up to see Jacob's now mangled body, intestines and bones seeming to flop out of what must've been his torso, being swallowed by the disgusting beast. Anger and guilt run through you, making you grind your teeth. Before you can do anything, you notice the horse had reacted to its owner's scream. It's ears pinned flat back against it's head, it charges straight towards the Titan, which has turned it's attention towards you, a horribly satisfied look on its face.

You have two options now: either try and use your gear to get off of the speeding horse beneath you, or stay on the horse and hope for the best. You decide you're charging too fast towards the Titan to try and jump off. You cling to the saddle horn, and watch the titan's legs come towards you. As time seems to slow done and you await your incoming doom, you hear the sound of gear, and notice out of the corner of your eye a man flying towards the Titan, ready to attack. He places a few well placed cuts on the titan's weak points; the armpit, the knees, but before he can attack the nape of its neck, which would kill the ugly thing, the Titan grabs him out of the air and shoves his legs in it's mouth, chewing gently and sucking on his legs up to his waist. At least the titan's not moving towards you anymore.

You avert your eyes, not wanting to watch this man's pain. You're almost directly underneath the Titan, going towards one of its legs. The Titan seems to be completely distracted by its human lollipop, making hideous smacking sounds above you. You fear the horse will run into its legs and cause you to get kicked by the titan, so you reach forward desperately and pull on the reins to stop it. Instead of slowly stopping like you wanted, the horse spun and changed directions, causing you to plummet off and hit the ground underneath the horse's stomach. HARD. Before you have time to move, the horse's back legs, and most of its weight, comes down on the inside of your thigh.

You gasp in severe pain, vision going foggy. Something peculiar was happening to the ground, rumbling and shaking and spinning at the same time. You lie flat on your back, gasping, wheezing, seeing colors; red, black, white, and skin tone swim in your vision. After a moment you become aware of what's happening above you. You see the man, the man that likely saved your life, being munched on still, and he seemed to be talking to the Titan through his tears. This gives you a glimmer of an idea. This man was likely part of the Survey Corps, which means the rest of them are close by, and if you used your gear, you could find their commander and inform him what happened. This was, of course, if you could fight through the pain and stand.

You shift your position on the ground, changing your legs so your injured one was lying on the ground and your unhurt one was in a kneeling position, like a lunge. You pull yourself up, putting weight only on your healthy leg. Even so, you're unbalanced, and tentatively put the injured leg on the ground, not daring to put weight on it yet. You stifle a gasp, blazing pain searing across your body. But you don't fall, and stand unstably attempting to think.

The gear you've been trained with uses almost every muscle in your body and strains your strength unbelievably. Certain things gone wrong could easily snap one of your bones, and even used correctly would cause bruising and soreness for some time after an extended use. Now that you think about it, you have no idea how this was going to work.

Acting in a sudden, if not desperate idea, you put your fingers to your lips and whistle. Horses trained for military usually responded to certain whistles and calls, so maybe you could call the palomino horse back to you. But you don't really know how to whistle...

Instead of whistling, you let out a pathetic, high pitched screech. Your leg gives way beneath you, and you fall with it folded underneath you. The pain is intense, and black patches seem to spread through your vision, blinding you. You scream out of frustration and pain, writhing on the ground to try and stand. In a few more minutes, you'd be ready to give up and wait to be found.

Suddenly, you hear the sound of hoof prints. You turn, and see the palomino horse cantering towards you, ears flat against it's head at the Titan. It trots to your side and lays itself on the ground, legs folded uncomfortably underneath it so you can climb onto it. It apparently has been trained for what to do with a downed soldier. You awkwardly climb onto it's back, realizing as you do that you've lost feeling in your leg. Once you're securely seated on the horse, it turns and bolts. Unprepared for the speed, you fold down onto it's neck and wrap your arms around it. It runs for some time, head turning and gazing in all directions, searching for something. It slows to a fast canter and whinnys loudly, calling through the buildings.

Behind you, you hear the sound of somebody using the gear, and a loud thump. Whoever was on the gear killed the Titan that was chewing on your original savior. You hope the injured man survived, but his wounds were likely fatal.

The palomino seems to know where it's going now as it courses through the broken city and manages somehow to successfully avoid the Titans. You feel it slow and sit up, taking in your surroundings, and spot a group of Corpsmen on horseback around 30 feet in front of you. You manage a weak "hup" to your horse, but it doesn't need any encouragement.

"Commander?" You call out weakly, but loudly enough for one of the corpsmen to hear you. You caught the attention of a white haired woman, who moves her horse into the center of the group, yelling "Commander Erwin! There's some cadet here."

There's a shuffling in the group, and then a blond man with huge, bushy eyebrows on a cremello horse walks out to you. The others move with him, turning to face you. His gaze moves from your face, to the broken reins on the ground, to your limp leg hanging pathetically outside of the stirrup.

"What's the message? Why does the interior need us so suddenly that they sent a cadet to get us?" He asks, his voice steady. He looks somehow relaxed in the midst of the chaos around you, sitting on his horse with an authority that's obvious and hard to ignore. You refuse to meet his eyes, intimidated greatly by the attention of him and the Survey Corps.

"The Trost d-district has fallen," You murmer, finding that you're shaking. You try and pull yourself together, but the danger of the situation and pain in your leg prevents it. "They need you back immediately."

The commander turns towards the interior, casting his thoughtful gaze towards where the rest of the military is waiting, then turns his head to look around at the his group. "We'll gather the others and head back immediately," he turns back to you, and raises one of his enormous eyebrows. "Once we regroup, I'll put you on a horse with someone else. Will you be able to move with us on your own for now? Your leg might not hold up."

You nod numbly. You have taken in almost nothing of what he just said, but are just guessing that agreeing will work out fine. Erwin and his group moves out, and the palomino follows obediently at a brisk canter. Time has no meaning to you at the moment, your world seems to have transformed into a daze of movement, colors and voices.

Voices bring you back (somewhat) to reality. Commander Erwin is arguing with someone far in front of where you stand at the back of the group. You look up and recognize the small, dark haired man who had watched you during your training. This is the closest you've been to him, and yet in your confused daze, his appearance isn't clear to you. He seems to finally give in to the Commander, and turns to give an order to a young auburn-haired woman standing behind him waiting, who nods and takes off on her ODM gear.

The dark haired man turns back to Erwin and his group, says a few words, and gives a sharp, short series of precise whistles. After a moment of silence, a midnight black horse gallops over and greets him with an obnoxiously loud nicker.

"What's your name, cadet?" Asks the Commander, who you didn't realize had moved next to you until he spoke.

"(Y/n)(l/n)." You say blankly, blinking to focus yourself and meeting his blue eyes.

"Ok, (y/n), I want you to get on the horse with him," Erwin says, nodding over to the dark-haired man, who's fully mounted on his horse. "He's both one of the smallest and most competent. He and your horse both have down this before, so you just have to slide on behind him. There'll definitely be space."

"Save it for later, eyebrows," Says the dark haired man, moving his horse next to yours so you can climb on. Once you get on behind him, he immediately moves his horse forward and turns to head back to Trost. "My squad will meet us at Trost. They'll handle the titans fine if they're together. Gunther will take charge."

The group moves out together, moving fast at a flat gallop. Although you're not paying attention to your surroundings, you realize that the Survey Corps are taking a different route than you and Jacob did. As you go the man in front of you asks "(L/n), right?"

"Yeah," You answer, awkwardly realizing that you unconsciously grabbed his shoulders to hold on, then realized that it was normal and he probably didn't care. "What're you going to do once we get to Trost?"

"Evacuate as many people as possible and see if we can stop the invasion. We want to prevent another massacre like five years ago. Other than that, we can't do anything. It's a shitty situation." He says coldly. "How's your leg?"

"It's fi-" But before you can get the entire word out, he interrupts you.

"We're going into dangerous territory, and your skills and experience are questionable. I don't need to hear that your leg is 'fine', I need to know if you can hold your own, even though you're a cadet. If you can't, then you're dead weight and I need to figure out how to get rid of you."

You straighten up, realizing your situation, and say. "My leg is too injured to put any pressure on it. I won't be any help to you..." You trail off, realizing you don't know his name.

There's silence in front of you for a few seconds, and then words came that shocked you to the bone.

"Levi. Captain Levi, to you."


	5. New Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one for today.  
> I apologize for how slow this is moving. I try my best to move the plot along and also keep the character development steady and make sure all the AOT characters stay true to the original material.  
> I promise, the romance starts chapter 9. I have it written, but I’m not uploading everything all at once.  
> Thank you all so much for reading.  
> Please comment your thoughts, advice, or any guesses to what exactly is going on. Hopefully the truth will surprise you as far as the oc/reader goes. I have some fun things planned.

Once your initial shock of finding the dark haired man steering the horse infront of you is legendary 'Humanities Strongest' wears off, you realize with a start that you've made it safely to the Trost District in less than 20 minutes. The wreckage of the city resembles the nightmare fuel you witnessed five years ago. A broken city with mere phantoms of what it used to be. You hear Captain Levi tsk in front of you and feel his horse speed up, flattening out into a terrifyingly fast gallop. If you thought the palomino horse was fast, you were sadly mistaken. Never in your life have you felt this fast, felt such a lack of control. You're slightly terrified, but everything else you have to pay attention to distracts you. You're glad, for at this speed you can't really see the brutality around. You bounce around in the saddle, your butt hitting down hard on the saddle as you fight to prevent tumbling off. Captain Levi stays completely stable, moving easily with his horse, so you awkwardly use him to keep yourself steady.

"Let go." The Captain orders. You immediately take your hands off his shoulders and try and steady yourself without him, feeling like you're definitely going to slipoff the horse. Before you get the chance to find your balance, he launches easily off his horse's back, like the extreme speed didn't even effect him. His horse slows to a slow canter and circles, making balancing far easier for you, but you've lost sight of the Captain. You hear a few heavy thumps and the metallic sound of metal against metal, and in less than a minute he returns to his seat in front of you, steaming Titan blood evaporating into smoke on his shoulder.

"Get ready to get off." He says, putting his blades back into their slots in his gear. It's hard to tell, because his voice is so emotionless, but he almost sounds distracted, like more than one thing is vying for his attention.

After about half a minute of quick travel, you stop in front of a row of merchant booths that seem relatively unharmed. Their bright colors and assortment of food look strangely normal, giving a sharp contrast to the destroyed city around you.

"Get into the buildings behind the booths. There might be basements, but I wouldn't chance going into one. I'll send a squad to retrieve you," the Captain says. "Or your scattered remains."

He helps you dismount, turning to support part of your weight as you drop from his horse's dark back. Your leg is still almost completely numb, so you balance all your weight on the other one, standing precariously in front of the booths.

"Try to keep yourself alive." The Captain said coldly, before turning his horse on it's haunches and galloping away, already readying his blades for the fights to come.

You try and hobble into the building behind a booth that had been selling bread, but your legs just weren't having it. After a few tiny hops, you crash to the ground, falling but twisting so you wouldn't hit your face on the cement step of the building. You swallow, running through the facts in your mind. You've seen a situation like this before, with animals. A bird with an injured wing can barely survive an hour on its own during the day, when its predators are few. There was almost no chance of a creature so reliant on its own capabilities to survive at night if their main source of defense was gone, when its natural enemies were on the prowl. You are just as helpless.

You figure you may as well make peace with your maker. You were never religious, you never really thought much about what other worlds could exist, but maybe this was the time to figure all that out. You don't believe in a higher power, you don't even believe in human souls or magic. As you think through all you've ever been told about existence, you close your eyes, waiting to hear the crashing of a Titan's running legs.

Fate won't keep you waiting long. From far off, you hear the tell-tale thumps of a walking Titan, from the sound of it, a 12 meter one. Heavy, but not enormous. You lay back, resting your head on the cement stairs. Anyone other than you would hope that they'd go undetected. That's not how you work, you know a Titan could smell the blood from your leg. The chance that a squad would find you before this Titan is sadly low, you only hope that this monster of a creature kills you fast, so you can be done. So much for making a difference and protecting those you love. You have no way to do that when you can't even stand.

And then, the sound of the ODM gear. A slashing sound, and then an enormous thump that can only mean that someone has killed the Titan. And yet, you can still hear the sound of a Titan moving towards you. Your brain must be playing tricks on you, making you hear things that can't be real. Then, someone lands on the roof of the booth in front of you. They lay there, breathing heavily for a moment, before jumping down and kneeling on the ground just in your view. You open your eyes and recognize a dark red scarf, a muscular back, and raven black hair.

If Mikasa Ackerman has been grounded, that means she no longer has the capacity to fight. If anyone has a stronger urge to fight and protect those they love than you, it's Mikasa. You realize how stupid the small competitiveness the two of you had towards each other during training was. Now all that matters is that you can work together. At least now you'll be useful. You have gear that she can use, assuming what had her grounded was broken gear.

"Mikasa." You call quietly. You see her shake her head, not turning to look at you. You see her shudder slightly, like she was trying to shake off an unwelcome thought or feeling. You furrow you're brow in confusion. Mikasa isn't someone who ignored someone calling her name, no matter what else was going on. Especially since she knew your voice, and would normally react towards hearing your voice as though she was hearing the voice of a family member. Something was really wrong, and not just with her gear.

"It's not worth it." You hear her whisper.

Oh. You think you understand that. You know how she feels, and can't argue with hopelessness. Once you get caught in that mindset, barely anything can snap you out. You close your eyes again, and listen to the rhythmic footsteps of the Titan coming towards you. The rhythm begins to lull you into a sort of stupor, and you stop thinking and fall into a peaceful reverie. Your starting to feel your leg, and the dull, slowly worsening pain is putting you into a partial unconsciousness.

Loud running footsteps of a larger Titan breaks you out of your happy bliss. Great, you think, now there's two of them. You open your eyes for a moment and see that Mikasa has stood, facing the original Titan with pure anger written on her face. Her shoulders are drawn back and she's breathing heavily, holding her arms up in a defensive position. Is she seriously going to try and fight the Titans without a weapon?

Why fight it, you wonder, when just letting yourself die would be so much easier. You can understand survival instinct. Perhaps you're injured to the point that the pain is making your thinking skewed, but you feel no impulse to protect yourself. All you want is to sleep. Your eyes want to roll back in your head, but something refuses to let you fall completely unconscious.

The pounding of the running titan's feet become so loud that you can't ignore it. You sit up, and suddenly feel terrified. You're about to die. Probably extremely violently.

Now you're feeling that survival instinct. You pull yourself up off the ground, holding your weight off your injured leg. Fight. You fight so others don't have to. You fight so the rest of humanity doesn't feel the harsh blow of loss. You fight to live, to breathe, because if you can't fight, you can't do anything, because nothing matters. The feeling of your heart, turned electric in your chest, forces a snarl from your mouth. Something stirs within you.

You see the running Titan reach directly in front of where you sit waiting for death, and hear Mikasa let out what sounds like a last war-cry.

You see the feet of the walking titan get swept out from underneath it, and a loud smack deafens your ears. The running titan's feet knock Mikasa off the ground, and you hear a terrifying scream escape it's lips. Then the sound of flesh on flesh, another loud thump, and then a Titan's triumphant roar.

"MIKASA!" You yell, and this time she listens. "Come and take my gear and get us out of here!"

You are not dying today.

She runs over, and you quickly exchange gear. As she picks you up to carry you to where the rest of the cadets have apparently gathered, you see a Titan with long, oak colored hair standing over the steaming body of the walking Titan.

"Mikasa, did that Titan just..." you ask, not sure how to finish your question.

"Killed the other Titan. That one's special." She answers briefly.

As Mikasa takes you over to the other cadets, you feel your thoughts slowing back down, feel yourself want to sleep again. The urge is powerful, but you have to wait til you reach your destination. You need to make sure your people are safe.

Once Mikasa places you down with the other cadets and you count Armin, Sasha and Annie, you start to relax. They're unharmed, though quite shaken. The only person you don't see is Eren, and you assume he's with another squad. Plus, you don't feel much responsibility over him.

Only once the other cadets begin talking about a plan and you fall into a slight stupor, you truly realize what you have witnessed. Not just another Titan killing. Not an anomaly. Not an abnormal. A dizzying sensation runs through your body, and a nauseating feeling kicks you in the gut. A strong urge to go find this Titan enters your mind, but it doesn't feel like one of your own thoughts. Something in you is drawn to this Titan, and one thing is for sure, there's something different about the beast. Your heart pounds in your chest as you realize this is the start to something huge. A change, a power, an opponent, but now you know...

You've witnessed the birth of an entirely new monster.


	6. Tick

"(Y/n)," Came a hoarse voice, speaking insistently. "(Y/n)!!"

You open your eyes to a dark stone ceiling. The rock is shiny enough that it looks like it's damp, and the dim light of candles flicker in the reflection. You're wearing the clothes you had been wearing under your uniform, the usual white pants and a pale blue, long sleeved shirt, but you're still pretty cold. There's a thin sheet over your legs, but it barely does anything as far as warmth goes. Your injured leg is bandaged and splinted, and only throbs a bit as you lie there. You sit up, and only then realize that you're handcuffed to the stone wall behind you. The chains connecting you don't look very thick, but you have no hope of escape. You're alone in a cell with black metal bars and a small sink. It's about half the size of your barracks.

You look over where the voice came from and see Eren, in a similar cell separated from you by black bars. You'll be having no privacy. He looks rough, with pale skin and small shadows under his eyes. He sits slumped slightly on his bed, staring apprehensively at the wall in front of you. Chains connect his arms, trembling slightly from what you can only imagine is fatigue or anxiety, to the wall, just like you. His hair sticks, matted onto his scalp and sticks up like a rooster's comb in other places, so you can't imagine what yours looks like. Judging by his appearance, you've been here for multiple days, assuming you've been here as long as he has.

"What happened?" You ask, your voice croaky and weak. Your head spins, and the combination of fatigue and having your hands tied disorients you. Apparently you never realized how much you use your hands until you can't anymore.

"That's what we were just about to explain." Says a calm voice from in front of your bed, where Eren was staring. You jump. You're not used to not noticing people in the room with you, and being tied up certainly isn't helping anything. You turn to see Commander Erwin and Captain Levi leaning against the wall in front of you and instantly tense up. The Captain's arms are crossed, and his eyes are focused on the torch above and to the right of your head. You're somewhat relieved that he's not making that intense eye contact with you anymore, but you're not sure why. Your mind won't clear enough to think super straight right now.

"Relax, (y/n), you're not in trouble," Erwin says "Yet."

That was not helpful.

"What happened?" You ask again. You have no idea how you got here or what happened beforehand. The last thing you remember is that Titan, and Mikasa saying it was different.

"That's a long story. Relax, and I'll tell you everything." Erwin says, glancing at Eren. You follow his gaze and realize that the second 'relax' was directed at Eren, not you. Eren looks like he's made of stone, sitting bolt upright and completely still.

The story Erwin tells you is long and confusing. The amount of information he gives is tumultuous, like he easily takes in and memorizes minute details, maintaining the less clear meaning behind them. Your tired brain can only grasp the main facts in the mountain of details he gives you.

The cadets, carrying the unconscious you with them, had lured that odd Titan to where the supplies were stored so that they could refill, regroup, and then continue fighting. The goal was to get the strange Titan to fight the titans surrounding the building you had to get into. When you all managed to bring the strange Titan over, at first it didn't work.

"The other cadets said you couldn't even stand one moment, and then the next moment you were walking towards this Titan with a dazed look in your eyes, as though you were possessed. Your limp had disappeared as well," Erwin says, looking at you with his giant eyebrows raised. Captain Levi's gaze was now pointed towards the ground in front of Eren's cell, his arms still crossed. Now that your head had cleared, you noticed his arms are tense, and the tendons on his neck moved slightly as Erwin spoke. "Apparently you stood facing the strange Titan and shrieked just once. It immediately turned towards you, and you pointed towards the other, normal titans around the building. According to the others, something about you changed to look more primal and aggressive when you pointed at them. That's when the odd Titan began attacking the normal Titans."

From there, the cadets grabbed you and retreated into the now unguarded building. As soon as you were away from the titans you fell entirely unconscious, almost comatose. The cadets then figured out a plan to take down the titans who were already inside the building's storage unit while protecting your unconscious body. You'd been lucky to have been with the squad that knew you and cared for you. It was around then that the strange Titan began to lose its strength. Although it was continuing to fight the other titans, it was quickly wearing itself out. Once it had lost consciousness a burst of steam came from the nape of its neck, right where you target the titans when going to kill them. Eren, who had been presumed dead, was sitting semi-lucid attached to the titan's neck.

After Eren was found he, Mikasa, Armin, and your still unconscious body were taken under the guard of the military police who were planning on killing Eren and possibly you if you regained consciousness. They shot at the group of you with cannon fire, which Eren protected you from by transforming back into the half shaped form of a Titan. According to Armin, you began to move during his transformation, like you were trying to pull yourself to stand although your eyes remained closed, before falling back into complete unconsciousness. As Eren maintained his semi-Titan form, Armin was able to convince the police to hear out you and Eren's strategical value. He explained that Eren could be used to plug up the wall, and that since they didn't know the extent of your abilities, further research should be done before deciding to kill you. The military police took your unconscious body into custody.

A plan was quickly made for Eren to plug the hole in the wall with a large boulder. As soon as Eren transformed near the wall he turned and punched towards Mikasa who was sitting on a nearby building. Mikasa dodged him easily, and attempted to regain control of him by getting as close to him as possible, landing on his nose. He continued to attempt to attack her and knocked himself out in the process. Instead of leaving his Titan body Eren stayed mysteriously unconscious inside his Titan form as the squads organized a second plan. A few titans had drawn near, and while Mikasa assisted with taking them down she realized that more were being drawn towards Eren's Titan body.

As the other soldiers struggled to hold back the titans, Armin tried in vain to awaken Eren and get through to him in the Titan form to get him back to his mission of plugging the hole in the wall. He managed to get Eren up and moving again after a few minutes and set him back on his mission. Eren seemed to be mostly in control of his Titan body this time, but the only problem was that the surrounding titans that the soldiers hadn't taken down lost all interest in their human snacks. They began targeting Eren and completely ignoring the humans. Therefore the soldiers began to get much nearer to the Titans than they normally would, many of them sacrificing their lives to assure the missions success. Eren reached the wall and plugged it with the boulder.

"This was humanities first victory," Erwin says, his voice a mix of hope and slight sadness. "We owe it to Eren, but we can't be sure it'll happen again. And, (y/n), you're almost in more danger than Eren. With Eren, it's fear that makes them want to dispose of him. His lack of control makes him dangerous to the higher ups and humanity in general. But for you it's the exact opposite. You had complete control over yourself and the titans. That's a lot of power for one young woman like yourself. It's anger that makes them want to exterminate you. This'll all be discussed later, you need to hear how this all came to a sort of close."

Once Eren had closed the wall he was easily extracted from his Titan body by Armin and Mikasa, who were the closest to get to him and the only ones brave enough to try. However, the rest of the soldiers were called away once the wall had closed and the titans were closing in. About 5 titans were only a few meters away.

"At this point I had brought the Survey Corps close enough for us to see a congregation of humans and titans all around one area. I couldn't tell for sure what was going on, but I did know that a large grouping of titans and humans was never a good sign. I sent Levi over to find out what was going on and get rid of the titans that were near the wall," Erwin says, inclining his head towards the Captain. He still hadn't said anything or moved from his position, hadn't looked at you nor Eren. "He quickly assessed the situation, removed the titans from the equation and waited for the rest of us to catch up and hear what had happened. We took Eren and locked him up here with you. That's about all that happened in the past 3 and a half days."

About all, huh?

You're still trying to take all of this in. You have absolutely no memory of commanding Eren's Titan form or much of what happened before that either. But, if you think hard enough about it, you can remember a spiraling of colors, pulsing over nothingness, and emotions before your eyes, but you can't place it in the timeline of your memories. You don't know why you would even be able to wield that type of power. You'd lived life without showing any signs of some sort of inhuman abilities. You glance at Eren. He must be feeling something similar to how you're feeling. He looks... excited and a little nervous. You're not surprised, the only real similarity between the two of you is the amount of motivation you have.

"Where are we?" Eren asks eventually, leaning forward and tightening the chains around his wrist, making a quiet clinking sound.

"Let's just say you're in a dungeon and leave it at that. I can't give your exact position." Erwin responds, mirroring Eren's movement and leaning forward off the wall. There's no attention on you at the moment, so you take a closer look at the cuffs around your wrists. They're a fairly thick, light grey shiny metal, resembling silver. They got put on using a key. The keyhole is pretty small, and if only one hand was tied you could definitely free yourself with a bobby pin or something similar. You look at where they attach to the wall. The metal is welded directly into the wall. They're made so they can be attached and detached at a couple of different places without challenging the integrity of the metal. Often when something is attached like that it's weaker than if it had had a platform for itself. If you were stronger, or the chains were longer, you might've been able to free yourself by jerking one of them out of place. However, it seems like there isn't much of a chance of you getting out on your own.

You look back up, and see Captain Levi's eyes quickly move away from you. You raise an eyebrow. Does he honestly think you could figure out how to escape? No, he seems too smart for that. He's trying to figure out how you work, what your strengths and weaknesses are. He and Erwin both need to know if you'd be an enemy or an ally, so collecting information is valid. Still, you don't know how you feel about analyzed. You mentally shake yourself, it doesn't really matter because there's nothing you can do about it.

You tap back into the conversation.

"...so we only get a few more minutes to speak to you two." Erwin is saying.

You decide now is the time to speak up. "What'll happen next?"

You cringe inwardly at your voice. It's much thinner than usual from not being used, and it sounds like you might cry at any second. That's the last image you need to give to two of the highest standing Survey Corps soldiers. You don't need them to think you're weak.

"We're talking to the soldiers and cadets that were witnesses to what happened. After that, not much will change. But Eren," Erwin pulls a small key from one of his pockets. Eren sits bolt upright, and you see a flash of anger in his eyes. Cringing, you silently wish he won't say something to put the two of you in more prejudice than you're already in. "You believe that the basement this key unlocks will give us more vital information on the titans? And don't worry, I'll give this back to you later."

"I do. At least that's what my father says, and I have no reason not to trust him." Eren answers, relaxing slightly but still holding a bright alertness in his sea-green eyes.

Captain Levi crosses his legs, shifting his weight further onto the wall, and raises an eyebrow slightly at Eren. "Your story is rather convenient. Amnesia and a missing father."

"Settle down, Levi. We agreed he had no reason to lie. Although I can't say the same about (y/n)," Erwin says, glancing at you with an almost apologetic expression.

You almost feel offended, but know it's nothing personal. Erwin seems like he almost wants to trust you and is all too aware of your strategical value, but won't because there's absolutely no explanation what-so-ever about your ability, whereas with Eren, there's a possible explanation locked underground. 

Captain Levi seems like he sees the worst in people before he sees the best, which is possibly what made him such a valuable soldier. An unbiased, critical mind is hard to find. It's very unhelpful for you at the moment though, as far as you could tell.

"I have a question for both of you now," Erwin said, interrupting your thoughts. "What are your intentions? What's your motivation? To harness a titan's strength would be an incredible asset to the military, however, It really depends on whether we'll think that you're going to help humanity rise, or push it into another age of desperation."

You need Eren to respond first, you need to figure out how to phrase your response. It's complicated to you, it always has been. You're not even sure you know the answer to a question as layered and personal as that. How to boil it down into a simple response is the question.

You look at Eren, and see sweat dripping down his face.

"I want to enter the Survey Corps and kill titans. All of them." Eren declares, a manic look replacing his alertness.

Erwin doesn't react, but Captain Levi gives a tiny nod. "Not bad. And you," he says quietly, looking at you and gesturing at Erwin. "Answer the man. What makes you tick?"

You're slightly intimidated by his quiet way of speaking but meet his eyes and speak without having fully formed your answer, hoping that the words will short themselves out as you go. "I'm a protector. I always have been. First myself, then my friends, then my peers, and now humanity. Life has pushed me here. Who am I to deny my own nature?"

You're glad to hear that your voice stays steady, and has lost most of its thinness. You notice Erwin give you nod of approval, glancing at Captain Levi with an inquisitive expression, his large eyebrows raised. The only response you earn from the Captain is a tsk of the tongue. You don't know how to feel about that.

"Erwin. I'll take responsibility of both of them. If they survive, I'll take them on. I don't think she's dangerous, Eren most definitely is. If it comes to it I'll put both of them down. I can train them both for my squad. Make them useful," Captain Levi says. His way of speaking demands attention, his words sharp and lacking almost all emotion. His eyes, however, tell a different story. They have a glint in them, a sparkle of an intelligent mind. They're cold and calculating and callous, and you could swear you can see his thoughts racing behind them. Only now you notice his eye color; a grey color as shiny as gunmetal but with a bluish hue. Now that you've noticed them, his eyes are striking. "The higher ups should have no problem with that. I'm the only one suited for the job. Congratulations, brats. You're become soldiers of the Survey Corps."

With that, Commander Erwin and Captain Levi leave the room, leaving Eren apparently very pumped up and you very confused. For the next few hours, Eren attempts to talk to you about titans and military and the world outside of the walls and every other possible thing around that subject. You are purposely a very bad conversationalist, and wait for him to fall asleep. Actual conversation would be risky to have with the Garrison guards standing within earshot of your cells. You trust them about as far as you can throw them. Once Eren realizes you aren't going to engage with him, he quiets and eventually falls into a restless sleep, tossing and turning. That's when you begin to think hard about the information you were just given. It wasn't much, but you have all night to figure some things out. Sleep is a lost cause, you're not even going to try.

You apparently have the ability to command a Titan. Does that limit you to just titans like Eren who are also partially human? Is it just commanding the titans, or could you also communicate with them? Why can't you remember when you used this power? Can you really control it like Commander Erwin thinks you can? Would the titans still try and eat you if you tried to use the ability and failed? And how in the world did you develop this power? And most importantly, why you, of all people? You had a lot of questions on your abilities, but you decide to ignore those for the time being. You aren't going to be able to conclude answers without more information, although you could make some assumptions.

Erwin was very vague when he told you what would happen next. But from what had happened while you were unconscious, you could make a good guess. The higher ups from a political standpoint and the military would decide on whether or not to kill you. It wasn't likely you'd be included in that decision, but your friends who witnessed you using this ability probably would be. You lean back against the cold stone wall. To think, only a few years ago your biggest worries were taking care of Armin, pleasing your parents and learning to play a musical instrument. Now, you were probably going to be "put down" as Captain Levi said in the next couple of weeks.

Your leg began to throb again. You gritted your teeth and tried to distract yourself. It felt strange to not be able to bend your leg, a splint preventing the joint from bending.

And then there was what would happen if you managed to not get killed. You'd been accepted into the Survey Corps already, and even more than that been put into Captain Levi's squad. He'd train you, apparently. You were to be trained like your parents used to tell you stories about, by the man they used to praise as the most skilled person they'd ever met. He was pretty different than how you'd always imaged, though. But that was to be expected. A childhood dream was never reality, but often reality offered more than the dream ever could.

Then there was the captain himself. He had spoken about you and Eren as though you were dogs, with no emotion and no respect. He seemed withdrawn from any warmth in the world. He took apart every word spoken around him to analyze it, but he had no reaction to your response when he asked you "What makes you tick?". He was watchful, and seemed to you like he noticed important details that many didn't. He was clearly intelligent, but his lack of emotion made you question whether or not he was a sociopath. But then there was his eyes. His eyes with that odd glint in them. They reminded you of a drawing Armin showed you years ago of a great expanse of storm-tossed saltwater, called the ocean. The water had frozen over, great sheets of unbreakable ice covering violent water, full of life, dangerous tides, and hundreds of stories to tell. You have no idea what it meant, but that alone makes you assume there's much more to him that he reveals. His eyes were cold and hard, but there was a kind of empathy in them you'd never noticed in anyone before. You draw your knees up towards your chest, resting your head on them and looking at the shiny stone wall to your right. In the five minutes he and Commander Erwin were in the room with you, your life had gotten way more complex.

If you survived these next few days, you'd have to get used to it.

And you'd figure out what made Captain Levi "tick".


	7. Fate

Over time, you lost your ability to just feel how much time had past. Your guess was about 4 days, but you had nothing to back up that guess. Your leg was healing, and had stopped hurting you while you were immobile. Eren had begun to quiet, no longer trying to make conversation with you, which was a relief. To gain personal hatred from you takes a great deal of cruelty, and you don't mind Eren, but you are all too aware of the dangers of being overheard by the wrong person. 

You were fed and given water regularly, given just enough to sustain you. The Garrison soldiers that were guarding you also cleaned and rebandaged your leg once a day. At first, it had been swollen from your knee all the way up to your hip, with all the colors of the rainbow patterning the skin. Now, only slight bruises could be seen in the middle of your thigh. You've healed quickly, so you assume you hadn't fractured the leg when you fell.

You aren't concerned with your own survival yet. They've been caring for you relatively well, and you've been treated pretty humanely given the circumstances (your guards aren't exactly nice, but it's not like you've been beaten). Once you're let out of this cell is when you need to start worrying. It's strange that suddenly being trapped somewhere felt more safe to you than being free. Your cell had become your home, and you were comfortable in it against all odds. Normally, you'd hate being trapped somewhere this small, not being able to see the sky at all, but you seemed to have gotten used to it. But, that might be because you knew exactly what would happen inside this cage, this small world you're in. Once you're out you have no idea what you'll be facing. 

Eren sleeps a lot. For him it just seems like a way to past time. You haven't slept for more than 3 hours since you were locked up. You have a pulsing headache that feels like it's deep in your brain itself that's more uncomfortable than the metal shackles causing bruising and scabs around your wrists.

You're trying your best to prepare for what you assume might happen when you're finally let out. You suspect an unfair trial that is set up to send you to your death. Truthfully, there isn't much you can say to convince anyone that you're not dangerous, because not even you can know that for sure. You really know nothing about what happened that day, when you 'commanded' Eren, and you have no way to find anything more in this cell. You'll have to try and figure out what to do depending on the situation once you're out. But you really don't know what the situation might be.

You spend most of your time thinking yourself into this circle, getting stuck in your own thoughts, trying to find an answer to an endless question, and finding only more uncertainties instead. At times, you dig your shackles into yourself, tearing off the scabs that've formed under the metal, trying to snap yourself out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, you both dread and wish for when the time will come for something different to happen.

Eren has been asleep for awhile now, sleeping peacefully facing away from you, curled into a loose ball. You glance down at yourself, disgusted. You and Eren had only gotten one chance to change your clothes, and that is way too few of a clothing change for you. 

Eren is sweating in his sleep, his white shirt becoming slightly see through. You think his inner clock is better than yours, so you guess that it's about midnight. Your mind is blank, looking for something to focus on, painting images in the shadows cast on the walls by flickering lanterns. Your brain sees a dragon in the twisted shadow of your bedpost, a club in the shadow of your sink made unproportionately large by the light, and a killer in your own hunched shadow.

Maybe you're going insane. Or maybe you're just making up something to be scared of to replace your own hopeless reality. You shut your eyes, laying back against the pillow they had given you. You need to sleep, but as soon as you lay back your mind creates some old memory or problem to keep you awake. You listen to Eren's rhythmic light snoring, the guard leaving and then... footsteps coming towards you.

You sit up and squint towards the entryway to the room your cells are in. Your eyes adjust to the light of the lantern next to the doorway to see the figure of a small man walking slowly towards you. Once he gets closer you realize it's Captain Levi, still in full uniform despite the fact it's late at night. You hadn't seen him nor Commander Erwin since the first day you woke up and you have no idea why he'd be coming to see you now. You tense slightly, but really, what's the point in being nervous?

He walks over and puts his hand on the bars of your cell. His eyes flicker to Eren and then back to you.

"I figured he'd be asleep," He says, his voice low and quiet. "Will he wake up?"

"I doubt it." You answer, matching his quiet pitch. Your voice is hoarse, but not as weak and scratchy as it had been the last time you had spoken.

"I'm supposed to see you two brats, but I have some sway with the guards," He says. His voice, his words, his expressions are a threat, low and gravely and charged with confidence. 'I have power, I will use it' is the message underneath. However, attempted intimidation, subtle or not, is something that you, through years of protecting Armin from those with enormous egos, don't react too. You notice he's standing slightly more relaxed than he was the last time you saw him. He probably wasn't here on Commander Erwin's command or to give any sort of orders. "I have about 5 minutes."

You don't say anything, waiting for him to give some sort of explanation. You can feel his gaze on you, but you refuse to meet it, looking slightly above his head. You aren't sure why but your gut is telling you to wait. Wait for what, you aren't sure.

"Eren is on trial tomorrow. Time permitting you'll be tried as well," Captain Levi informs you, moving back to lean against the wall again. Now he's staring down at the ground in front of him, no longer watching you. You shiver. Something tells you that's not a good thing. "We have a plan for him. He doesn't know it, but we should be able to take him."

"Ok." You whisper. You feel your heart flutter painfully, anxiety running up your spine. You don't want to be judged. Hopefully Eren's trial will run long and you can get another day to prepare yourself.

"However, we have no such plan for you," Captain Levi says, closing his eyes and lifting his head slightly. "We have a few ideas, but for the most part we'll be talking out of our asses trying to save you. I doubt they'll allow you to speak for yourself. The Commander in Chief doesn't want to be convinced differently than his own shitty views."

You take in this information. It sounds like you're being told you're in a hopeless position. A corrupt judge who wants you dead, and no plan for your safety. It would take a miracle for you to win this case. And miracles don't happen in this world.

"What's my chance of surviving the next few days?" You ask shakily, shutting your eyes and leaning back against the headboard of your bed, pushing down feelings of hopelessness and fear. One thing you think you know about the Captain is that he won't sugar coat bad news. He'll tell you what he thinks.

"Look at me," Captain Levi orders you. His voice isn't hard, but he still commands response. 

You meet his eyes. They look like they're glowing softly in the lantern light, like silver-blue moons. His gaze is as intense as always, but this time you don't feel the need to look away. One thing is different from how you've seen him before; his eyes are soft, not intimidatingly cold. You see that empathy you noticed a few days ago, more prominent than before. He was looking for something in you, trying to find a reason or a way to save you, maybe. You don't really know.

"I will do all that I can to keep you alive. You have my word," He said, stepping forward and inclining his head to you. He turns and begins to walk out of the room but stops halfway out the doorway, glancing back at you. "Get some sleep. You look like shit." 

And with that disappears silently out the door. 

You wake up the next morning somehow both relaxed and extremely nervous. You glance to your right and see that Eren has already been taken to trial. You're alone in the room and you don't even see any guards, which is strange, but you're glad to have some solitude. Usually that's one of the few things that can calm you down.

You focus your eyes on the thin, white sheets in front of you, and think over the situation. You're not trying to find a solution anymore, just readying yourself for the worst. 

You can control the beasts that terrorize your world and are thought to be brainless. Or, at least, you can control some of them. This ability makes you one of the most dangerous people on earth, especially since you don't really know how to control it. The odds are not in your favor, and even some of the greatest minds in the military can't think of a way to help you. You don't think you'll be able to win over the jurors with a winning personality either. It'll probably be the higher officers making decisions and as far as you know none of them really like or know you.

You toy with the sheets, running the slightly rough material through your fingers while you think. Once again, you're numb to emotion, or perhaps just in shock and not fully understanding your situation.

Captain Levi made a promise to you. That meant something. It had to. It was the only thing you could hang your hopes on.

Quick footsteps are approaching your cell. You glance up to see a woman with red-brown hair and glasses. A flicker of memory lights in your mind, and you recognize her as the woman who watched your training as a cadet. She has an excited look on her face and is stepping lightly, smiling at you through the bars of the cell. With her is an extremely tall, blond haired man with a large nose, walking towards you like he's used to having a lot of authority. The blond looks serious, his eyes set to your cell with a harsh looking glare. He appears at the moment like he doesn't know or care what "feelings" are, but you might be totally wrong. Perhaps he's been sent to subdue you if you tried to fight.

The woman calls out to you as she reaches the doorway. "Hey (Y/n)! You ready?"

Before you can answer, she runs to your cell door and opens it, continuing to talk at a rapid pace. "I'm Hange Zoë. My friend here is Miche Zacharias. Don't worry about Miche. He looks way scarier than he really is. Just don't make him angry, he almost rivals Levi in strength. Not someone you want to mess with, trust me."

Miche, the tall blond steps into your cell and unlocks the chains connecting you to the wall. He then ties your hands behind your back with the chain. He's breathing heavily from his nose very close to your neck, his breath sending chills down your spine, which makes you kind of uncomfortable.

He gestures to you to get off the bed. When you go to flip your legs off the bed you realize you probably can't walk on your leg. Although the pain has subsided, you haven't used the previously injured muscles in days. You try anyways, and find Miche gently helping to support your weight so you can keep yourself stable. Maybe you judged him too harshly. You meet his green eyes and find them soft, the ghost of a smile crinkling the corners. 

"So you can control titans? That's incredible! What does it feel like to do it?" Hange asks excitedly, leading you and Miche out of your cell and up through the hallway. You experiment with putting weight on your leg as you walk, trying not to think about what's to come. You find you can put most of your weight on it with only a little bit of pain. However, you appreciate Miche's support for you don't really think you could walk without it.

"I'm not sure. I can't remember any of it." You answer, keeping your head down as you walk with the two soldiers. You don't want to seem at all like you could harm either or them. Which isn't that hard, you probably couldn't harm them in the state you're in.

"Levi mentioned that. He and Erwin want you in the Survey Corps. Levi in particular, so there must be something really special about you other than the whole Controlling Titans thing. I so badly want to test on you, but if we can't win this case you'll pretty much be dissected by the military police. They're not as nice as I am. I'd kill someone to have your power though. I wonder how you got it. I have so many questions about this! Well, if we can't get you than at least we have Eren. Our plan to save him worked," Hange babbles. She talks extremely fast, but seems like she's keeping an eye on your reactions although mostly focused on herself. Her fingers twiddle with her hair as she walks, tying knots and making tiny braids in her already untidy hair. An intelligent glint sparkles in her oak-brown eyes, mirroring the quick thoughts and steady observations that're likely running through her mind. "I talked the whole time we were bringing Eren up and didn't explain anything to him, so I guess I'll start explaining things to you. It was best that he didn't know our plan for it to work, but we don't have a plan for you, so no harm done!"

"Please," you say, hoping to get more helpful information. Hange's already told you quite a bit, tiny kernels of information abundant in her stream of words. "Tell me what you know. I want to get out of this alive."

"Commander in Chief Zackly will be judging you. The MP's will be arguing for your extermination. I'm not sure what the Garrison will be fighting for, we'll have to wait and see. Neither of them been very articulate though, so I think you have a fighting chance. They do have a better reputation than us Survey Corps though. We'll be trying out best to get you out of there with your skin still on. At least most people don't think your a monster like they do with Eren. Although, that might not be a good thing. They probably won't let you defend yourself, they're pretty scared of that incredible power you've got, so it'll be completely up to Erwin and Levi to get you out. If anyone can do it, it's probably them." Hange says, bringing you up the hallway to double doors with intricately carved wood surrounding the entryway. "Well, here we are! Good luck! I'll be rooting for you!"

You take a deep breath as she opens the doors to an enormous court room. Whatever happens here, you'll walk out with a completely different fate.

Your life is in the hands of the Survey Corps now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all should prepare yourselves for the next chapter.  
> I get more techy than I’m actually comfortable with in the upcoming court scene.  
> Please help me.


	8. Trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly to say, this chapter took me waaay too long to write, and even now I’m not too pleased with it.  
> I played the dangerous game of using fancy words and trying to understand fictional politics.  
> Please bear with me. I’m new to this.

The first thing you notice is the blood. Small spots of blood are splattered across the white tiled floor in the center of the court room, where a slightly raised platform waits where you figure you'll be chained. As you are led through the large room to the center, you notice thin steam rising from the blood, and wonder what the hell that means.

There's a weird, painful fluttering in your chest as Miche gently moves you into a kneeling position on the hard wood floor, chains you to a tall pole and a light cloth gag is tied into your mouth. He gives you a small smile and a nod before turning and walking towards the sides of the courtroom. The feeling gets increasingly worse when you notice how many people are watching you. You've never enjoyed being the center of attention, preferring to keep the attention of the few people who really mattered to you. There's about 40 people from each military branch, all surrounding you on slightly raised wooden platforms with a white banister separating them from you. The soldiers from the Military Police look extremely angry, many of them standing with crossed arms and furrowed brows, muttering to eachother with barely quiet voices. A lot of them aren't looking at you, they're looking directly across the room at the Survey Corps.

Specifically at Captain Levi, who's watching you with a cool, neutral expression on his face. He almost looks like he's staring through you, his blue eyes not quite as intensely focused as you'd seen them before. He stands next to Commander Erwin, who has his eyes trained on a man sitting on a chair on a raised balcony about 10 feet in front of you. This must be Commander in Chief Zackly. He's older than you expected, with grey hair, wrinkles, and small glasses perched on the tip of his hooked nose, but looks like he's still somewhat fit. You're happy to see that he doesn't look too angry or worried. He's calmly going through papers, squinting at the paper like he can't see it too well.

You give yourself a moment to look around the room and take a note of who here could possibly be on your side. From a young age, you've always thought it's better to count your allies, not your enemies, because you were often on your own and tried to avoid losing your confidence when trying to fight against more than one opponent. You see the commanders of both the other branches, both talking angrily to soldiers of their sects. Based on their disgruntled appearances, the Survey Corp really showed them up with Eren's trial. They weren't going to let you go free without a long, ethical fight. You notice that there are balconies very high up, around 10 feet below the rounded ceiling, facing into the courtroom. 

Squinting upwards, you're shocked to see Annie, Mikasa, and Armin standing together, staring down at you. Mikasa looks... like she's in a rage, which doesn't make any sense since Eren just got out alive. Armin is talking quietly into her ear and holding her arm tightly. He notice him periodically glance down at you, and you notice he looks absolutely terrified with visible droplets of sweat above his eyebrows... Great. If Armin is visibly shaken, something really big has happened, or will happen. You'd seen him go through full on beatings, and come out less than flustered. Annie is cool as a cucumber, looking directly up at the ceiling. You glance up with her and notice the whole thing is an enormous, detailed mural, depicting bloody paintings of a large battle between muscley, shirtless men. That seems a bit out of place to you, unlike the old murals of the Great Titan War you had seen before.

"Alright, let's get this started," Commander Zackly says, speaking calmly but loudly enough to get the courtroom's attention. His eyes fall on you, and you feel like he's looking at you like a man trying to decide whether or not to buy an animal from auction, not like a human being. You're not used to that type of scrutiny. You've always been able to demand and earn some type of respect, even from the most disdainful people. Sensing what would impress or unsettle another person came naturally to you, and you milked that skill for all its worth. "We just did this so hopefully this'll be quicker than Eren's trial. We all want our lunch break on time. As we've decided, the subject will not be allowed to speak because we don't know if her power is through her voice, there's no point in explaining anything to her. Let's get straight to it. Nile, you believe the subject, (y/n) (l/n), should be put to death after the Military Police experiment to find out by any means necessary why she could control a Titan. Is this correct?"

"It is." Says Commander Nile, stepping away from his subordinates and placing his gnarled hands on the wood banister, tapping his fingers with an imperious look on his face. He has dark hair with a receding hairline, even though he doesn't look older than about 30. He has shrewd, cruel eyes and a slight grimace to his mouth. He stands confidently, speaking calmly like he's used to attention and being in full command of every situation. He has the look you'd seen on angry men trying to barter some form of drug in alleyways, like everything in life is a game of life of death and he must cheat in order to win.

You glance at Commander Eren and Captain Levi, trying to catch one of their eyes, but they're both looking elsewhere. You can feel your heart pounding painfully in your chest, and know that this is a hopeless situation. You hate this feeling of helplessness, the aching headache in the back of your neck and the painful, tight feeling in your chest that's spreading up and squeezing your throat closed. Your legs are folded uncomfortably underneath you, making your newly healed leg throb dully from the pressure. Your arms are tied too tight to the pole behind you, stretching your chest out with an odd burning sensation.

You can't move, you can't speak or you assume you'll be shot if you try. You are totally restricted, with no way to help yourself. Although everything in you yearns to stand and fight for yourself, you know that you have to trust the Survey Corps. You have to trust that the Captain will fulfill his promise.

"Erwin, you want to take the subject and use her to your advantage. This, assuming you could control the subject, would allow for us to be a step ahead of the titans and use her and Eren to retake the walls. You would train her and find out how she could harness this ability. All of this would be done under the watch of Captain Levi, who believes he could contain or exterminate her if reason came. Is this correct?"

"It is." Commander Erwin says, inclining his head to Commander Zackly. His eyes fall on you for a moment, and then away again towards Nile, whose face is twisted with an apathetic look like an adult might have towards a toddler attempting to punch him.

"And the Garrison will remain neutral until more information is found?" Commander Zackly asks, sounding a bit bored.

"That is correct." Answers the commander of the Garrison, a man with a shiny bald head and sharp, gold eyes like a bird of prey.

"Will the cadets of the 104th legion Armin, Mikasa, and Annie please speak to (l/n)'s behavior and to the details of 6 days ago during her encounter with Eren's Titan form?" Commander Zackly says, pushing his small glasses closer to his eyes and looking even closer at his papers.

As you listen to your 3 friends speak to the story of your strange behavior with the Titan, you notice Captain Levi speaking quietly to Commander Erwin. After a few moments, where you're paying way more attention to the two men than you are to your friends, you see Erwin nod, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. However, you notice his eyes still look worried and he seems like he's stiffened a bit in his arms.

"Taking this information, would Commander Nile speak to why he believes (l/n) should be put to death? This will all be put onto record." Zackly says. You feel his gaze on you and refuse to look at him. This man will likely be the cause of your eventual death. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing the fear you feel through your entire body in your eyes. You don't really believe Zackly hates you, but you have too much pride to let him see your anxiety anyways.

"This girl has a great power, and that is not just her ability to command titans. In the past 6 days she has caused multiple civilians to group together and riot, not in the favor of her death but in the favor of her 'rightful' freedom. They believe she has done nothing wrong and she deserves a better chance to prove herself. Those who believe otherwise, including the military police, have clashed with them.

"This is not the only large change she's caused in a society which before this has been peaceful amongst themselves. Old legends have been brought to surface which say that one who can control beasts have the blood of royals. This is an idea which started and spread inside our own castle walls, causing people with high political standing to question the worship of our king. Some of these old legends have gone so far as to suggest immortality," Niles says, his eyes on you. He's looking at you like you're less than an animal, less than any living thing. At the moment, in his eyes, all you are is a threat he needs to eliminate. You've become nothing more than the titans he is trained to kill. "We are on the brink of a multi-layered overthrow, which is the last thing we need with limited resources and safety. On top of that, there are a few groups who are vying strongly for her death, as they believe she can also control the will of humans as well as titans. That is a real threat, for we don't know the limits of her abilities.

"Although this is similar to the problems that arise from keeping Eren alive, there is still more. A Titan hadn't been spotted near our walls for the 4 days she laid unconscious, although the Survey Corps' squads have spotted some further away, still active. Once she regained consciousness we began to see them close to the walls as usual. This is a bit of a long shot, but I believe her death may slightly neutralize the titans, giving us an easier shot at retaking the walls. If she is to be exterminated, the public may complain and threaten riots for some time, but eventually everything will cool down, and perhaps all can return to normal."

Your gaze shoots to Captain Levi and Commander Erwin. This time they're both looking right at you. You search for affirmation in Erwin's blue eyes, that all of the information Nile has just given is correct. It can't be completely true. You're not a monster, and you're definitely not royalty or some sort of strange deity. The amount of control this story says you have over the titans is completely unheard of. None of this makes sense in your head.

You could swear you can feel your heart skip a beat as Commander Erwin gives you a tiny nod. His eyes are difficult to read, resting somewhere between pity and waryness. Your head snaps to Zackly, who's still staring at Commander Nile in silent disbelief, the wrinkles in his face sagging with his composure. The court room fills with an uneasy muttering. You glance up to your three comrades, and see Armin looking horrified, Annie with a curiously disgruntled look on her face, and Mikasa, who just looks confused.

You've never understood politics, and it was one of the few things your parents never told you about. You were beginning to understand why; the level of turmoil inside the walls which go unnoticed by those not paying attention is frightening.

You hear Captain Levi give a small tsk.

"So what you're telling me is that you're so afraid of an uprising you plan to kill the one creature with more ability than any of you sad excuses for soldiers have ever dreamt of?" He asks, thinly veiled disgust dripping from his voice. He speaks no louder than if he were to be speaking directly to Nile, standing across the room from him, but even so the courtroom quiets as he speaks. "Your thought is to make an example out of a woman most people find innocent to scare civilization back into blindly following your lead? You're ignorant if that's how you plan to regain order. As long as the idea of revolution using the military's treatment of this girl as a catalyst stands, her death may perpetuate people's need to revolt. They'll use it as an excuse, and like Eren, she'd become a martyr of so called freedom freedom. At the moment, none of the military apart from the Survey Corps could defend against the masses. Am I wrong?"

He glances at you, and looks back at Zackly. Zackly hasn't reacted, and looks at Erwin for a clearer explanation. Nile is about to fire back a defensive response, his brow furrowed, creating dozens of wrinkles on his forehead, but Commander Erwin speaks first.

"This girl, (l/n), not only would cause a political uproar if executed, could be used as a useful pawn in this war if a theory I have is correct," He says, taking a tone of voice that you remember your dad using when he tried to teach you something complex. "The existence of a human being who can control a Titan, even just a little bit, opens the door to the possibility of others like her which are acting against us. This may be a bit of a wild theory, but it is my belief that these creatures we call titans are not natural. There must be something else causing them to target humans, as they don't need nutrients of any kind to survive. Having (l/n) as a weapon can give us a way to find what creates the titans, and much like Eren, can assist in retaking the walls and finding what hides in his basement. On the subject of the titan's behavior while she was in custody, think about how easily we'll be able to rid our world of titans once she can harness that ability. Having her alive is worth far more than her death would merit."

There's something hidden in Eren's basement which has a connection to the titans? You think back to your days living in Shinganshina. The peaceful mood of the little town before your parents died and the time you spent in the market, watching out for Armin and wondering where your parents were. You'd look for good deals on interesting items, watch the strange and sometimes aggressive interactions between the adults, and sometimes treat yourself to something sweet. You feel the corner of your mouth twitch upwards, thinking of how innocent and naïve you were back then. You had felt like nothing around you would change, like you'd grow up doing the same things everyday and seeing the same people. Your parents would always be there. You'd stay close with Armin, Eren and Mikasa. You'd keep watching people live their own lives out of boredom and trying to figure out the math on sales tax. You had hated the idea of nothing ever changing and had fantasied joining the military. Now, a big part of you wishes for the days of the past to continue forever. You want that familiarity back.

But, another small, not fully formed part of you whispers for you to not look back, to keep going and try to keep yourself and others alive. Half formed emotions whisper for you to have faith in something hopeless.

Commander Erwin's argument is convincing, but you're not sure it's enough. You meet Nile's eyes, and notice he has a thoughtful, shrewd look on his face.

"What causes you to be so sure of yourself? Clearly what we know of science isn't relevant with abnormalities such as (l/n) and Jaeger. Perhaps your need for new weapons and soldiers says something about the stability of the Survey Corps, especially since you appear desperate for a new asset to turn the tables. With your death count so high, who's to say either of them will survive through the first expedition you take them on?" Nile says, his words not directed to Commander Erwin but to Zackly. He doesn't want an answer to his question, he wants Zackly to fall upon an answer himself. "Perhaps through the MP's study of her blood and dna we can discover new, vital information without the threat of our subject dying before any results are found."

Zackly links his long, pale fingers together and rests his chin on them, peering at Nile over his spectacles. His eyes are thoughtful, with a hint of morbid curiosity in their dull sheen. "In regards to the threat of rebellion against our King, do you believe that this girl's death will alleviate the issue? If she were kept alive she could be used to protect and shift the population back under his control. Will her execution cause similar results or will it cause further problems?"

Nile's smug face falls into a slightly disheartened, worried look for a split second before he pulls himself together again. You chew on your gag, tasting the musty flavor of the cloth. Nile wasn't expecting that from Zackly.

Nile opens his mouth to answer Zackly's question, a dark look in his almost black eyes, but Zackly cuts him off before he can speak, as if predicting the nature of Nile's response.

"Keep in mind, Commander Nile, that you are under oath to speak the truth and nothing but the truth. On top of that, think your answer over carefully. If you're wrong, and our government crumbles under your decision, the blame will land solely on you."

You feel Nile's gaze land on you, and turn your head to look at him. In his eyes you see hatred. He doesn't look at you, or the Survey Corps, or maybe even Zackly as equals. He stands there, glowering at you like he's sure he is above all of you, like he doesn't feel like this is fair.

You blink slowly at him. If he's feeling like he's being wronged, then maybe there is some hope for you.

Not breaking eye contact with you, Nile responds to Zackly's questions. His voice comes out like rotten honey, sweet and oily at the top, but deep down an awful bitterness. "I cannot promise her death will cause the extinguishing of revolt. Although I strongly believe that after time her death will cause everything to conclude in a way favorable to our military, I can make no promises to the safety of our King. However, I doubt the Survey Corps can give assurances of safety if she is to be kept alive."

Zackly turns to Commander Erwin, a question in his small eyes. "Can you promise safety?"

Nile answers for Erwin, his voice full of dry fury. He spits his words out like insults, and only seems to get angrier as Commander Erwin and Captain Levi watch him speak without reaction. "No! They cannot, as no one can promise the safety of our King with something as unpredictable as a human's will! Which is why this creature which consorts with the enemies of humanity should be immediately put down! This girl does not deserve to live any more than murderers or rapists! I insist that this criminal should be killed without ANY FURTHER DISCUSSION. End this trial n-"

You had shut your eyes, trying to ignore the guilt pressing in on you as this man accused you of 'crimes' you don't remember commiting. What crimes, anyway? You haven't actually done anything against the military or humanity in general.

You expect Nile to continue his rant, but a powerful voice interrupts him.

"No one can promise the safety of our King?" Captain Levi says. You whip your head around to watch him speak, and notice he has a dark look in his eyes, a cold anger. He speaks louder now than he did before, his voice filling the entire space of the courtroom, its demand for attention palpable, a sizzle of electricity running through his words. "I can promise the safety of the King. This woman whose life you are playing with can do the same. The solution is in front of all your disgusting faces, and you still continue to ignore it. It needs to be spelled out for you. Keep her alive, find her triggers and how to control her, and use her to protect your wonderful King. If her life is more worthless than your pitiful existences as you seem pitifully convinced it is, allow her to die in service to you, instead of serving no other purpose than to be your play toy. If she gets out of control, I will exterminate her myself, and say that she threatened the king everyone holds so dear."

You feel the color drain from your cheeks, realizing than Captain Levi has just gambled your life. If for whatever reason you cannot find a way to control your power, which at the moment seems so far away from yourself, like somebody else's problem. You look at Commander Erwin, and see his eyebrows raised at Zackly, a questioning look in his eyes. He had tensed as the Captain spoke, and you realize that his words took even Erwin by surprise, though he can handle it well. You lean back against the pole behind you, feeling a tiny flicker of pain in your leg, and close your eyes. This is the moment when a decision will be made, to continue or give up, to lose or gain hope, to live or die.

You hear Zackly give a loud sigh. "I have reached my decision. (Y/n) (L/n) will be kept alive, only if she serves a greater purpose than that of a soldier. If she is not proven useful, she will be put to death."

You hear voices and footsteps around you, blending with one another, almost indistinguishable except for a few voices. Nile, his tone angry, speaking loudly to someone. You Zackly muttering something, barely audible over the rumble of other voices.

And you hear Captain Levi and Commander Erwin, speaking in soft voices.

You don't open your eyes yet. You need a second to pull yourself together and let your fate sink in. For now, at least, you have survived. You will move forward, or you will be put to death.

To you, that sounds like the best news in the world.


	9. Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor manga spoilers out of context. I'd still read it if I wasn't caught up, it's nothing too obvious.

You feel yourself drifting off, your eyelids shutting without your permission. You don't know what your last thought was, but you suddenly find yourself dreaming, covered with the hot layer of fever-like sleep you'd been avoiding for almost a week. But... this can't be just a dream. Everything is too real, your senses too vivid and alive for this to be a dream. The dream itself is deafening, somehow pressing on every orifice of your body, too much pressure to be anywhere near comfortable. You feel slightly cold, an unexplained tremor vibrating in your chest as you breathe. Fear, full of adrenaline and boiling through your veins beats your heart hard against your trembling chest. You should be running, but your legs are folded beneath you, not following your mind's fearful command.

An ocean of pale, colorless sand surrounds you, seemingly endless, like you're merely a ship, abandoned in its course through a never ending voyage of desolate sea. Everything is drenched in constantly shifting colors, like the northern lights had expanded into a vast prism, then imprisoned down onto the barren world around you. Blue, red, green, yellow, and a myriad of indescribable colors swirl together, then part again, like unnatural water swirling on dry land. The ebbing movement of the colors makes you tense, feeling as though you're seated on an unimaginably enormous, formless creature trying to find it's breath, but failing. You're kneeling on the sand, rough, almost painful, and freezing cold against your bare knees. There's a disturbing lack of warmth here, no life left except for yourself. You notice your leg has lost the bruise and scab left over from your injury, but your legs are patterned with tiny, pearlescent, crisscrossing scars which you never earned. This isn't the body you know.

The sound of rushing, like the elements of water and wind combined fills your ears, both soothing with its repetitive sound, but also sparking a terror which had lain dormant within you til now. This was a feeling unlike any you had felt before, a stark fear which you feel is ages old, yet never discovered before now. You can't locate the source of the sound. It seems as though it's resonating from the sand itself, swelling and ebbing with the colors. Something deep rooted into your bones tells you this is not where you should be. This is an unnatural place. A prickling feeling runs up your neck, alerting you of unseen eyes, watching your every move though no other creature is visible to you. Everything in you is screaming for you to leave this damned place, to run away and never, ever return. You try to stand, but only then realize that you are trapped, shackled by thick, black metaled chains which seamlessly connect to the sand. Why are you always shackled? Even in this dream-world, you cannot be free.

An eery feeling kicks to life in your chest, like the phantoms of past inhabitants used to exist here and something horrible caused them to disappear. Disappear, vanish, die... you're not sure which, but one thing for sure, this is a cursed place.

You look around desperately, trying to locate a possible explanation to your whereabouts. There's nothing but sand, sand, and more sand, expanding to the horizon on all sides of you. Then you glance up. The dark sky above you, sprinkled with intermittent stars, which seem pale next to the river of color pulsing above you like the vein of a living creature. It stretches across the sky like an enormous, twisting, curling tree branch, with millions of smaller shoots creeping out from the main strand. Near the end of where you can see, it thickens in one place and branches out into dozens of tiny lines, reaching to join the horizon. It gives the illusion of being both close enough to touch, but so far away the definite form can't be clearly seen.

As soon as your eyes land on the vein of colors, everything fades from around you, only to be replaced by flashing, horrifying visions. A young woman's bloodied, battered corpse, limbs and intestines devoured ravenously by three tiny children. A Titan, terrifyingly huge, much larger than you could ever imagine, with dinosaur like spines protruding from its back, tearing mercilessly through the three walls as though they were made from soft clay. Hundreds of people with dark, downcast eyes, bleeding from their mouths as they clutch at the hole where their tongues should be. The same young woman, alive but with a terrified expression on her face, with only a single eye and an arrow pierced cruelly through her back. Captain Levi, with sharp, twisted metal buried deep into his flesh, barely breathing. A Titan with it's ribs raised out of its back like twisted, horrible wings, reaching and murdering hundreds of defenseless people. Eren, his hair long and face twisted in a pain buried within him, ordering the world to crumble as he watches, silent and without emotion.

And just like it started, suddenly, without warning or consent, it was over. You jolt awake, breathing hard with cold sweat dripping down your face. Gasping, you try to catch the breath you lost during your dream, choking on air as you try and calm down. Feverish shivers trickle down your back and though you don't feel sick, bile burns in your throat. Flipping your legs off the bed, you stand up and begin pacing, you bare feet thudding on the cold stone ground, shaky on legs poised to run at any moment.

It was just a nightmare, worse and more vivid than your usual, but a nightmare nonetheless. You'd managed to avoid any real sleep since your trial five days ago. A stupor, zoned out but still awake was the closest thing to sleep you'd allowed yourself, but tonight, now that you'd gotten used to your new headquarters, the exhaustion had finally overwhelmed you.

Shuddering, you close your eyes, what you'd just seen still vivid in your eye of mind. You need to calm down, to center yourself and stop the shaking in your hands. To convince yourself the dream was fake is to lie to yourself. The realm, with colors coursing through a lifeless desert like pathways of light, guiding memories or premonitions or nightmares into your mind felt too personal, like it was apart of you, to be just a dream. You look around your room, hoping to calm yourself with the small amount of familiarity you have with the unadorned space. You wish there was a window so you could let some cool air in, but the room you've been locked in every night since you got here is more cell-like than the actual jail you were in beforehand. You kick at your bedside table, irritated. The only things in this room are your bed, an unlit oil lamp, a small dresser, and your bedside table. Sleep is clearly not a good idea, and you're still quite shaky, not totally convinced it was just a horrific nightmare which had jolted you awake.

You want to wander, like you did only a week or so ago during training. A yearning for the forest makes you sigh, imagining the shadows which you found comfort in and the sounds of far off animals, crying out in heartbreak or love or pain that only an animal could feel. You want to move, to clear your thoughts and find that peaceful quiet you only found in endless walking. The castle which you and Captain Levi's squad now call your headquarters is a large, maze like fortress with cold, torchlit corridors which all look the same. You still haven't discovered the majority of where they lead to, as most of your time is spent either cleaning or studying strategies on different attacks. 

Of course, you weren't complaining. Eld, one of the more outspoken and friendly members of the Special Ops Squad, and Petra, the only other female on the squad who in skill may surpass the other soldiers, are the ones who work with you on the strategies. The strategies are far more complex than any you ever saw in training, but you secretly enjoy the challenge. Many of the offensive attacks Captain Levi has come up with seem counterintuitive, but you fully understand them, you begin to realize exactly how much genius the Captain has with executing attacks. Every move, even if seemingly insignificant, comes together to give an easier opening to kill a Titan without struggle. After five days of study, you've gotten quick at understanding how the plans would work, but the Captain wants both you and Eren to know without trying how to move the different parts before you join training with the others.

You plop down on the ground in front of your dresser, silently cursing at the cold of the stone. You need to think, to figure out what to do and focus so you can calm down. The rough wood of the dresser stables you somewhat, giving you a surface on which to ground yourself. You take a deep breath and open the top drawer, running your hands over the neatly folded leather harness. Obviously, you're not allowed to keep the sharp blades which connect to the gear in the room with you, it would be a liability, but you have to keep your harness with you. The Special Operation's squad has a history of being called to duty at random times during the night, to do a job which only them and the Commander know of. 

You place the gear onto the floor next to your bed, your fingers brushing the complex attachments of metal and deer-hide straps. All cadets were taught how to both put on the gear, a process which could take around 10 minutes for even an experienced soldier, and how to entirely take apart, maintain, clean and check the parts for proper operation. You found the process meditative, and by now can easily take apart and put together all the little screws and straps of the gear without having to be fully aware of your fingers. You loved the feeling of quiet focus, silencing the constant, overlapping stream of thoughts in your mind with a systematic, repetitive action of taking apart and putting back together. It reminds you of how sleep used to be, before your life was turned upside down.

Staring at the gear, an idea sparks in your mind. Years ago, your parents would lock you in your room for misbehaving, often leaving you for over 3 hours. At first, you simply accepted your confinement, but as you grew older and braver, you began to experiment, eventually learning to pick a basic lock. Allowing your parents to know you could leave your room would ruin much of your freedom, so you always made sure you were back by the time they let you out. You had never been caught.

You locate, mostly by touch, a joint in which you know two incredibly thin screws hold. After a moment of fumbling with the rough pieces, you successfully extract the thin screws. You run the metal in your fingers, trying to get a good idea of what you're working with. One of the pieces is flat, and seems to be made of a stronger, sturdier metal than the other. The other piece is slightly longer, and elliptical in shape. These will hopefully work for your purposes.

You stand and walk over to the door to examine it. It's made of a dark wood, and solid; fairly thick. Taking in the heaviness of the door makes you wonder what this room was used for when the Survey Corps originally used the castle as a headquarters. You assume it was used to store weapons. Most of the other rooms don't have locks on the door like this one does.

The knob and lock are made of some kind of light metal, and the keyhole doesn't look too complex. You hesitate, weighing your options. You risk being caught and put under even heavier guard just by leaving your room. No one trusts you here. Even Eren, who you've known for years, has a nervous look in his eyes whenever he views you, like he's not sure exactly what to expect. You miss Armin's non bias nature; he'd know exactly what you should do in a situation like this.

You throw caution to the wind and begin the well trodden process of picking the lock. After a few moments of precariously moving the metal to specific placements in the keyhole, you hear the satisfying click which signifies you have unlocked the door. You quickly put the gear back together and quietly place the harness back in the dresser, to give the appearance as though nothing had changed.

The last thing you want, if you are caught, is for your method of escape to be found. That would be inconvenient to say the very least. Punishment isn't something that repulses you, and you'd take whatever was put up in you without complaint, but regret is not an emotion you allow yourself to feel, simply because you don't want to believe you've done anything worth regretting. However, your own freedom is more important to you than most other things. Just knowing you have the option to escape from confines is enough to put you at something resembling ease.

You cautiously make your way out of your room, glad that your bare feet make almost no sound against the hard stone floor, even though the cold is almost painful. You run your hand along the wall as you move, enjoying the chilled feeling of the stone bricks and the mortar which holds it together. The bumpy, cold rock running under your fingers with frequent valleys of smooth mortar, soft in comparison gives you something to focus on as you move. The corridor is barely lit, with the shadows of trees filtering from the small windows, painting the grey walls with shifting black. You would happily spend the rest of your life wandering in the dark like this, running from the terrors of the twisted life you live and your own mind with quiet footsteps. But you have a responsibility to follow, an ambition, a meaning to this life you lead which you must follow through with.

A tiny pain flutters on your fingertip as it brushes on the rough wall, and you remember that Hange drew blood from that finger. She hadn't gotten around to actually finding the limits and rules to your supposed ability yet. Hange was a talker who had too much intelligence for her own good. While she was ranting to you about her most recent experiments with the two titans she kept tied up in the forest, she was both watching every reaction you had with an eye almost as intense as Captain Levi's and filling out some form of paperwork to get permission to do a new sampling of your dna. Or something like that. Hange scared you a bit, as you could hardly ever tell what she was thinking, and yet you strangely enjoy her company. Since she was allowed to spend so much time with you, she was one of the people you spoke to the most. Although you miss Annie, you've come to think of the eccentric scientist as a good friend.

So far, she was attempting to find out what made you and Eren different than others. With Eren, there were a few anomalies which she discovered within his blood, but she had had no such luck with you. Physically, you are no different than every other person. That, combined with your lack of memory of 'commanding a titan' is supporting your doubts that you actually have any sort of affinity with the beasts. Somehow, you can't believe that something as influential as that could have anything to do with you. You, who grew up as a normal, shy child with loving parents and a usual daily routine, couldn't possibly be involved with something larger than life like the ability to communicate with the enemies of humanity.

You reach an intersection and decide to turn left, where you think you'll be moving closer to the interior of the building. You wonder if anyone else is awake. Most of the torches are out, so you assume it's after midnight even though you don't have a way to accurately guess without the moon. Petra and Eld generally went to bed early, before curfew. Eld would usually say goodnight to the rest of the squad with a sarcastic comment and then disappear for the rest of the night, followed quietly by Petra. Oluo, the cockiest asshole you've ever met, and you can't understand why the Captain chose him for this squad, usually leaves with Petra, walking after her like a sad dog searching for attention. You don't care for Oluo. He constantly insults and corrects the rest of the squad members, and you generally find that you can't dignify his bullshit with a reply. 

Gunther, Captain Levi's second in command, usually locks you and Eren in your respective captivity chambers. Gunther is a rule follower, and somehow a close friend of Eld's even though you're not sure he understands sarcasm. You assume Gunther goes to sleep after he locks you and Eren, but you have no assurance that either him or the Captain aren't still awake.

It's worth the risk. You quiet your mind, and wander without direction, allowing yourself to slip into that mindless zone of nothing. Eventually, you feel something different than the usual pattern of brick and mortar beneath your fingers. You open your eyes and squint through the semi darkness to see hundreds of tiny etchings of names and unskilled drawings, barely visible in the grey rock. Your hand is resting on the outline of a horse, its head lowered to the nonexistent ground. The artwork is crude, but recognizable. You wonder the story behind the soldiers who created it, years ago. Thousands of souls passed through this building, living and training and eating, likely never to return once they left the walls surrounding them. Hundreds of stories remain untold, like the stories of your parents, because of a death that came too early.

You shake yourself. You allow your mind to become so quickly sentimental, and then wonder why you can never sleep? You're allowing yourself to become weak, a creature who stops and asks why and how instead of moving forward with what must be done. The stories of fallen soldiers shouldn't matter to you, as long as you continue their battle and carry them with you. You keep walking, noticing a staircase to your left. You follow it, absentmindedly moving down the stairs in an odd, skipping fashion.

Speaking of horses, you really need to get to work with your own. Everyone was given a horse when they joined the Survey Corps, and usually that horse was already trained, like Eren's. However, given your luck, it wasn't a surprise to you when you were told that your horse only had basic training on her, and would need extra work. 'Extra work' was their way of saying that your horse was insane, stubborn, and standoffish, and you would be supplied without very little instruction on how exactly to train a horse. So far, you hadn't been able to stay on her back for more than about five seconds. Everyone was taught briefly in training about the psychology and training of the military's equines, but you haven't found any of that relevant. 

There's light coming from an entryway infront of you. You realize it's the dining hall, where you had eaten a small meal of bland soup and an apple hours earlier. The Survey Corps seems to be running low on rations again, so the food has been disappointing. You think of Sasha, how she wouldn't care whether the food was good or not, she would eat anything and everything in sight. A fire must still be burning in the fireplace. Since the whole castle was stone there wasn't really a risk of something burning, so your squad must just let it burn itself out. You stop at the entrance and glance in. The tables and chairs cast long shadows from the flame, giving the room a haunted look, contrasting to the bright and open feeling it has during the day. The back of the two old armchairs positioned infront of the fire look like hulking figures, facing away from you. You smile slightly, amused by your own moment of fear caused by an empty room. You're not a jumpy person, and even when you begin to feel anxious, it seems separate from yourself, like you're watching another person squirm, instead of yourself.

You continue past the dining hall, now less worried about the sound you make. The wall beneath your hand has smoothed out, like the builders of this oversized decoration of a castle put the most effort in on the lower floors, and lost interest once they continued to the higher levels. The halls are more lit here as well, the torches more frequent and burning bright. You prefer the dark. When the world around you is shrouded in dark, it feels innocent, like even death is mindless. 

You reach another crossing and turn right, picking up your pace as the hallway slopes up.

It's been awhile since you've seen a door, and the torches are becoming less frequent. The hair on the back of you neck stands up, reminding you of the horrific dream you had. You cringe, trying your best to cast the images away from your mind. You refuse to revisit the emotions which come, and you have deceived yourself, convinced that it was truly just a nightmare. 

You pause for a moment and take a breath, trying to compose yourself once more and push the intrusive emotions ways from yourself. You lean your weight onto the hand you rest on the wall, then spring off again with a quiet yelp when you feel the very solid stone shift beneath your touch. You stare at the wall, and see you've pushed one of the larger tiles out of place, further into the wall. It might just be a loose panel, but you doubt it, knowing the hard integrity of the castle walls. You ponder for a moment before deciding that the worst that could happen was nothing. You replace your hand on the stone and give it a hard shove, and immediately hear the grinding of stone on stone as the rock shifts beneath your hand. You step back and watch as a hidden door reveals itself, closed but with a clear handle. You grab it and push, with no response. Frowning, you pull at it, and feel it wiggle lose and slide to the side. It's heavy, but you have the strength to move it. 

The door reveals a dark passageway, leading down and twisting to the right. You don't see any source of light, and towards the end of where you can see, even the walls are shrouded with darkness. You only have a few minor reasons not to find where this pathway leads, but you're unsure about walking to an unknown destination in pitch blackness. Once again, you have a choice to take a risk.

This time, you don't even think about it. Placing your hand on the wall once again, you make your way down the passageway. You notice that the wall is pure rock, no mortar like the rest of the castle. The ground is less smooth as well, tiny sharpened pieces poking your bare feet. The further down the hallway you go the less you can see, and although you don't mind moving forward into the black, you don't like being unaware of what's behind you. The prickling feeling on the back of your neck persists, heightening your senses.

The hallway curves right, and after a few moments of nervous walking, your foot hits against something hard. You wince, your bare toes stubbed on stone. You lift your foot, and find steep stairs. In the pitch dark, you can't orient yourself, and begin feeling slightly disoriented. You decide to ignore it, continuing on, now moving slower, cautious of missing a step and falling. The stairs are straight, and apparently not too long as you reach the end after only a few minutes. You step up, and feel your stomachs drop as there's no stair for your foot to land on. After regaining your balance, you smile, and almost laugh, but shut yourself up at the last moment. The feeling on your neck is enough to keep you dead silent.

You reach forward in the dark, looking to tell whether the passage keeps going or ends here. Your fingers brush against aged wood, the grain unsanded and firm. You feel around for a moment, searching to find whether this is a door or a dead end.

A match strikes behind you, the sound echoing through the silent passageway, and you freeze, light flickering to life around you. You turn around slowly, your movement shaky and a shiver in your chest, to see who exactly followed you through the dark.

Captain Levi stands with a lantern, his unreadable face illumined by flickering light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses to who you are, dear Reader?  
> Also, if anyone is wondering when the reader will get some development/a strong personality... 😏  
> I don’t kid around with slow burn.


	10. Tower

You expect to be locked back into your room, with a possible revisitation of whether or not you should be 'put down'. You expect a harsh word, blunt and insulting, and then brutal, day-long punishment as soon as the sun made its lazy way above the horizon.

Instead, Captain Levi walks past you up the stairs, lifting the small lantern in his hand, the silver metal clinking like a tiny broken bell, to further light the end of the stairway. You watch his eyes flick over the door, quickly taking in the thick, un-sanded wood and iron door knob. You stand frozen in front of the handle, unsure of what would and wouldn't be acceptable.

He reaches infront of you and lightly places his hand on the circular door handle, his shoulder almost brushing your collar bone. "It's not locked."

You stare at him, wondering why you didn't realize he was following you. Had he seen you scare yourself infront of the dining hall? And, more importantly, was he aware of how you escaped your room? Normally the presence of someone trailing you immediately puts you on high alert, raising the hairs on the back of your neck. Perhaps you don't notice you're being followed right away, but become hyper sensitive to any unusual sounds and quickly put the pieces together. You had no such experience with the Captain. Either he was exceptionally good at going unnoticed, which you found unlikely given how noticeable his presence in a room was, of your dream had thrown you off your usual guarded state.

You speak before you completely think through the sentence, your words staying in your throat as you speak them, low and gravelly. "How long have you been following me?"

He steps back from the door, crossing his arms, his booted heels at the edge of the small landing, as though ready to turn away and leave at any second. Strangely enough, he still wears the harness for the gear this late at night, the straps appearing uncomfortably tight on his shoulders. Perhaps he hadn't even gone to bed, thus staying in full uniform regardless of the night. "You left your room."

That doesn't answer your question, really only giving you more to think about. You still don't know how long he had been trailing you, but now that you think about it, does it really matter? You left your room, and are now standing where you're not supposed to be standing, essentially cornered by your superior who just happens to be one of the most dangerous men in the world. That's all that matters.

Instead of responding, you grab the circular iron handle, the cold leaving a burning feeling on your skin. Strange, how something drastically different from heat could leave the same sensation on a living thing, like even nature knows that opposites really aren't that different after all.

You yank on the door, it's weight pulling against you like it hadn't been opened in years, slowly opening it as dust falls from the slit between the wall and door. Your lip curls as it lands on you. You don't usually care too much about getting dirty, it's a part of life, but you're wearing fresh clothes, a simple shirt and pants, and the dust leaves a light brown stain on your white shirt.

The door opens to pitch black, deep and endless as far as you can see, seeming to suck the light away from Captain Levi's small lantern. If you had perceived the corridor as dark, you had forgotten the depth of a lightless space. It looks like you could reach out and grab the darkness to pull it back to you and see wisps of shadow trailing through your fingers. Something is familiar about the darkness, as though you've been apart of it before, reminding you somehow of the memories of your parents, shrouded with lack of visitation or renewal.

You forget about the Captain for a moment and step forward, hands slightly forward to give you a possible warning of an incoming collision. Your toes curl onto a thin fabric, filthy with age and flimsy from wear. It crinkles quietly while your feet move it, the sound quickly seeming to be captured by the darkness. The space feels open, but stuffy, like it had been filled with information and life years ago and then laid to rest with the change of priorities. You feel like you've discovered an artifact, some reminder of more peaceful times left untouched by war.

A quiet moment passes, then the Captain's bootsteps come towards you, clicking lightly on thinly carpeted ground. His lantern brings the room around you into a soft focus, the flame casting a warm, flickering haze with ill-defined shadows puddling together.

Your eyes fall first onto a bookshelf, made of some sort of dark wood, stretching from the ground to about ten feet up, hitting a wooden platform above it. It bends with the wall, curving across around half the room. Covered in dust like a tomb just unburied, it must hold at least six hundred books, all appearing untouched and dyed a musty brown by dirt.

An empty fireplace sits quietly in the wall a few feet away from it. A small desk; boxes, books, piles of paper, and insignificant items covering the thick wood with an organized chaos, stands solidly in front of it, looking more like something of solid stone than of it's true wooden property.

As you search through the room, your eyes sweeping over the dust-ridden, fraying rug on the ground, you feel the urge to speak, but ignore it. The nature of this midnight meeting with your squad Captain is unknown to you; you can't be sure how thin the ice you're skating on is. The feeling of uncertainty closes your mouth and pressures your shoulders to hang low. You can't argue, or even truly question the unknown when you have no starting point of information. Right now, you are trapped by a superior power to your own, without the bravery to test the limits. Your silence lasts one, two three minutes too long, becoming palpable in the dimly lit room. Captain Levi breaks the silence, his quiet voice carried by the air around you, as if there is far more space for it to fill than visible to you.

"This is the fifth tower." 

You turn to face him and find his head turned upward, his dark hair falling away from his eyes and his arms crossed loosely over his chest. You follow his gaze, and gentle chills give way to the still, soft beating of your heart. Your dream is a mere memory now, replaced by what must be the polar opposite.

You are standing in the wide base of an enormous tower, with space to fill and items scattered across the ground, as if someone knew there was enough room for the haphazard items not to be a danger. As the tower gradually spirals up over you, it thins in circumference. What was above you is shrouded in the darkness, invisible to the two of you.

You debate speaking, quickly picking out your words before throwing caution to the wind and ignoring the warnings inside your head. "Guess I win that bet I made with Eld."

The Captain ignores you, walking over to the door. You decide not to take offense. There wasn't really anything to say, after all.

The fifth tower was a bit of a joke with your squad. From the outside of the castle, five tall, pale grey towers are visible, appearing to pierce the sky with their tapered points. Their near-white stone exterior is stark against the sky, forcing every person's eyes to the towers; almost appearing to glow. However, the entrances had been found for only four of them, none of which hold anything of importance, just storage of food on the many levels. Eld and Petra had both spent a few hours wandering the castle, keeping their eyes peeled for a fifth entrance, but to no avail.

Being "sent to the fifth tower" was now what your squad had taken up as a sort of vague threat. A horse misbehaved? Send it to the fifth tower. Someone's gear malfunctioned? To the fifth tower it goes. 

About a week ago, after a long day's worth of studying basic strategies and memorizing attack patterns you'd likely never use, you and Eld settled into an easy banter, pointlessly arguing and ridiculing eachother with levity-filled laughter in your voices. The day was hot, and it had taken awhile for you to put the papers and diagrams away because your sweat created something for them to stick to. That, mixed with all of you being in strangely jovial moods, gave you bravery to relax and laugh along with Petra and Eld.

"I bet Oluo will find the fifth tower before the rest of us. He's clearly smarter, far ahead of you in mental capacity." Eld taunted, jogging to get ahead of you as you walked with a steady, unconcerned plod to head to the dining hall. You didn't run to catch up with him, instead maintained your pace ten feet behind him. Petra had gone to change clothes, Eld had accidentally-on-purpose spilled his tea on her while they playfully argued about which role you'd likely be given in attacks. You might've imagined it, but you could've sworn you'd seen Petra's cheeks flush during that conversation long before the hot drink spilled.

"Maybe that's the case for you, not for me. I'll find it before everyone else, I'll put money on it." You retort loudly so he could hear you, wondering what nonexistent money you would give him when you inevitably lost this bet. You wouldn't get paid for another month.

"It's a deal, then. If Oluo or I find the tower before you, we get your next payment. If you find it, you get all of mine and as much of his as he'll give up. Ready to be broke next month?"

"Sure. We'll end up paying for the loser's food anyway, so it's not that much of a risk."

It was one of the few interactions with the Special Operations squad you had had where you didn't feel like you had to watch your words like they were a weapon. You stare up into the darkness shrouded tower, wondering how all of this happened so fast. You went from a trainee, moving through training with a robotic repetition of memorized movement and information, to a soldier, part of a squad widely known for its skill, who has no idea why or what she's doing.

The Captain blows his lantern out by the door, bringing the darkness of the tower above you cascading over your eyes, blinding you. Then, another match strikes, and after a second of quiet shuffling, the entire tower illuminates in a warm light. The smell of a breeze wafts from the spire walls, scented of both nothing and everything at once. A sparking flame crawls silently, like a noiseless serpent sent towards the heavens all the way up the spiraled tower wall, shadowing the numerous wooden platforms. 

At first, you think the tower is burning, that some hidden trap somehow set stone ablaze. Fire could melt the material holding the rock together, dripping molten liquid onto your shoulders. The empty fireplace would once again burn, and would not be alone in it's blaze of destruction. The walls would cave in with the heat and crush you, leaving your life meaningless and easily forgotten.

Once your eyes adjust to the golden-orange light, you find the source of the light in a small crevice, appearing almost like a stripe of fire decorating the tower all the way to the top. Somehow, the stone was glowing with something which appeared like liquid flame, still and silent in the sloping crevice, yet smooth and fluid like water. Glowing with a soft, flickering light, the illuminated substance travelled all the way up the tower, filling the crevice and spiraling until it pooled in the pointed roof, defying gravity.

"What the hell?" You murmur, more to yourself than to the Captain. A part of you urges you to reach out and touch the substance, to feel whether it also shares the destructive heat that true flame carries. Holding yourself back, you lean against the dust layered table and stare, seeking an explanation. With the minimal physics you were taught, you know this shouldn't be possible. And yet right in front of you, the liquid glows with candlelight caged within it, swirling silently under the still surface as if to find a crack and free itself.

"Tirava Oįi. Everlasting, heatless light. Chemical flame sold by desperate urchins in the underground." The captain stands staring up into the spiraling flame, his eyes reflecting the light like they, too, were liquid fire. The glowing crevice silhouettes his body, creating an illusion that he stands in shadow, and you in the light.

There's a moment of tense quiet where you once again attempt to find a boundary between right and wrong, a normal reaction and something that could be deemed punishable. Part of you whispers to hold your silence and see what happens next, but something stronger, tougher, and braver loosens your tongue, and says not to hesitate. "Everlasting?"

Captain Levi clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth, crossing his arms over his chest after silently dropping his unlit lantern to the stone ground. His gaze remains upwards, gazing at the multilayered levels of wooden platforms, eventually stacking to the pointed roof of the tower, creating dark, square shadows on the smooth stone walls. "Bullshit. Loses the glow after 8 months."

You decide to give yourself something to do. About ten feet above you, the first wooden platform of many curves with the wall, almost like a landing to a staircase. From your angle, there appears to be nothing on it, but given the cluttered state of the first floor, you doubt that to be true.

You step slowly, following the circumference of the tower's base to attempt to locate the place where you could access this second level. The dust layering the floor muffles your footsteps, sending it into the air, creating a film reflecting with the light of the chemical flame. The light filters through the airborn dirt, blinking and dancing like the fireflies you grew up watching from your window. You slow down, enjoying the twinkling of light in front of you. It looks like the forest you spent your days as a trainee wandering. At dawn, the light would filter through the leaves as pale beams, and all the particles in the air appeared to glow along with it, just like this.

Once you reach under the edge of the thin wooden platform above you, you notice a slit in the wall ending at the platform that's colored differently than the rest. You place your hand on it, about to pull it out, but are interrupted by the Captain's voice.

"This is filthy."

You turn to find him standing with his arms crossed, glaring down at the dust covered desk like it murdered his best friend. His hands are both tucked under his arms, as though he feared his exposed skin even coming into contact with dirt. 

Without saying anything or even looking at you, he turns on his heel to walk out of the room. You debate staying in this tower, continuing to observe the small objects and discover the ways to the upper levels. Instead, you follow him, stepping carefully down the steep stone stairs, very aware of the quiet noises of your bare feet against the stone. The Captain's booted feet ahead of you are somehow quieter than you can walk, barely making a sound. You try and concentrate on your feet, searching for how silence like that is possible. 

Soon, your attention shifts once again to making your way safely through the pitch dark hallway. The Captain had left his unlit lantern in the tower, but he somehow seems to know the way through the hall without it. The darkness around you creates a film infront of your eyes, blocking most of your vision, but the captain's silhouette is darker, clear even in the pitch black. You follow the outline of his small frame until you reach the end of the hall, where the dim torchlight of the main hallways seem blinding in comparison. 

He leads you quickly through the maze-like halls. You quickly become lost, but the Captain seems to know exactly where he is, somehow remaining oriented through the twists and turns. When you finally come to a stop, you're standing in front of a single door, just before the wall turns a corner. In front of you stands the open courtyard, where you would probably spend your free time if only you had any. 

If you hadn't have been following the Captain you never would've noticed the door. Although the whole castle, except for the fifth tower, is impeccably clean, the door is textured with tiny grain running through the light wood, as though covered in dirt.

Captain Levi draws a single silver key from his pocket and slips it into the lock, turning it so quickly you didn't realize the door was open until it almost hit you in the face. Without thinking, your left hand snaps up to catch it, an inch away from your nose. Your lip twitches on one side, your almost-smile threatening to return. It's nice to know that your reflexes are sharp.

"Fill this with water and take it to the tower." He steps out from the doorway and hands you a heavy metal bucket, the tin cold like ice against your hand. He disappears immediately back through the door, and quite clanging sounds from within. You nod, even though he can't see you, and wander to the nearest well, which sits in the center of the courtyard.

The courtyard is grassy, and originally appeared exceptionally unkept when Captain Levi's squad took residence here. In the last few weeks, it had been weeded, cleaned, and watered daily. A schedule of who's duty it was to clean specific parts of the castle appeared on the dining hall's bulletin board. When it's your day to clean the courtyard, you make sure it's as perfectly clean as possible. You would spend all day there, sitting on the bench on the wooden platform surrounded by the grass and watching the wind lazily blow the leaves from the oak trees on the borders of the courtyard if you could. It is often that your nature is at war with itself, unsure whether it's place is as a soldier or... what? Where else could you possibly belong?

Once the bucket is full, it takes you slightly longer to find your way back to the tower. The weight of the water is more than you had expected, but after your time in training, you still carry it fairly easily. You find an old lantern near the dining hall and use one of the last lit torches to light it, almost burning you fingers in the process. After stumbling around the halls, leaning too far to the left from the weight of the bucket, and almost breaking the lantern in the process, you finally locate the entrance to the fifth tower. You leave the lantern outside the stairway, wanting to make sure you can make your way up without spilling the water.

You almost don't see the Captain when you reach the interior of the tower. The flickering light tricks your eyes into seeing shadows where they aren't, making you blink hard to readjust. Once the light quits doing interpretive dance on your pupils, you finally spot him going through a small stack of papers on the desk. Behind him, a fire has been lit in the now full fireplace, adding to the flickering light of the Tirava Oįi, and a few crumpled papers shrivel like dying flowers as tongues of flame embrace them.

To your right sits a plethora of cleaning supplies, worth at least four hundred dollars. Wooden brooms, ceramic bottles filled with unknown liquids, dusters with pristine colored feathers from clearly extravagant birds, a mop which appears to have never been used, and a small pile of firewood had apparently all been brought up to the tower during the half hour you spent retrieving water.

You stand awkwardly in the doorway for a moment, leaning against the doorframe, unsure of what to do yet again. You glance at the floor in front of you, and notice that the dust has been cleared to the sides, creating a small pathway leading to where the Captain stands. Under the dirt, the carpet is a maroon color, and appears to have been extremely luxurious about fifty years ago. The floor underneath it is a rich, dark wood you've never seen before. Although it clearly hasn't been polished in forever, it's surface glimmers slightly with the moving light.

The Captain pauses in his methodical work and glances at you, moving just his eyes like you aren't even worth his movement when there is cleaning to be done. He gestures at a box full of old pens, papers, pencils, and office supplies that's covered in a thin, almost white layer of dust.

"Get to work."


End file.
